Stalkers – Some Basic Advice

In light of the number of cases I have seen of stalking I have put together some very brief info on stalkers and how to deal with them.  It is not meant to be a definitive guide but a basic introduction.  If anyone would like more info I will add to this.

Lets get one thing straight.  Stalking is not new.  It has been around in one form of the other for years.  Jack the Ripper was probably a stalker.  What has happened is that with more and more people leading virtual lives it has become easier and more widely publicised.

If you think you won’t be stalked, you might want to think again.   Apparently , according to statistics in the USA  1 out of every 12 women will be stalked during her lifetime and 1 out of 45 men will be stalked at some point in his life.

What I never understand is why would someone stalk another?   Well I am no shrink and the answer as you would suspect is often complicated, however the most common type of stalker is the intimacy stalker.

Should we be concerned.?

The answer is a qualified yes.  I always tell people that they should never get to the point where the fear of the crime is greater than the crime itself.

In other words keep it in perspective and take what is written here in perspective.

What follows is the definition of an Intimacy Stalker, including a few of the motivational reasons behind their behaviour as well as a personality type.

As I said I aint no shrink so this is meant as a guide only.

REASONS WHY THEY STALK

 

For some reason the stalker believes the victim is an ideal partner.  There is usually very little grounds for them to believe this but that is the usual starting point.  It might be that the victim appears sensuous, mysterious, sexy (that’s me ladies) or even vulnerable.

For some reason the stalker may start to believe the victim has strong feelings or may even be in love with them.  As a result simple acts of communication can be misconstrued.   With the internet it can start with online flirting.  Lets be honest lots of people say things on line that they would never have the balls to say in a face to face conversation.  But can you fall in love on line.  Can you fall in love by reading somebodys blog?  People do.  That does not make them stalkers but the mantal health professionals would question such peoples state of mind.

The stalker believes that the victim is the only person who can satisfy their desires.  This is a sort of natural progression from the first two.

 

PERSONALITY TYPE & CHARACTERISTICS

 

Very often the people who become stalkers are isolated and shy.   Whlst this does tend to suggest that they often they live alone it is not an exclusiove.  Many people lack meaningful intimate relationship in his/her life.  There are a lot of lonely people in the worldand lots of them are married and respectable.  How many people reading this are in marriages thinking I wish I wasn’t here?  They are lonely yet to the outside world they have a spouse and kids etc.  By the same token don’t take thatis to mean that everyone who lives on their own is a nutter or a stalker.   One of the best blokes I know has lived on his own for quite awhile.  Oh hang on that’s me and I am a nutter.  That’s a Joke mister Plod, just a little joke.

In some cases the stalker may suffer from a mental disorder, including a narcissistic personality disorder which  is characterized by extreme focus on oneself,  There is more to it than that, but I don’t want to go into that here

In a few cases stalkers may just pick on an almost complete strangers or somebody they have just met socially or in internet cases met on line.

 

STALKING BEHAVIOURS

 

These are pretty obvious really.

They may make repeated telephone calls or emails to the victim.  In some cases these will beg the  victim  for attention.  These could also be comments on blogs or web sites because that way there is a n interaction between stalker and victim.  The problem with this is of course is that the victim will unwittingly respond and thus interact with the stalker and in doing so can fule the stalkers belief that there is a element to the relationship that just is not there.

May send unwanted gifts to the victim.  Bloggers with wish lists on their blog are in my opinion just asking for trouble,  That is just my personal opinion.

They will often show signs of being jealous or over protective towards their victim.

Because the stalker is jealous and often over protective towards the victim they may in the first instance secretly follow the victim.   This eventually gives way to openly following the victim.

In extreme cases the stalker may break into victim’s email account to monitor discussions with others.  However we have noticed an increased trend where the stalker will actually  discuss the victim openly with others on blogs or chatrooms (either using a pseudonym ot their real identity).  I have known stalkers openly discuss the victim with other friends or contacts of the  victim on message boards on blogs or in chat rooms.  This can seem quite harmless  “Hi This is X.  Jane is looking really well these days don’t you think?  I know what a good friend you have been to her …….” But it is a way of building secondary social relations around the victim.

 

Eventually though the relationship for want a better term of phrase,  is going to reach a point where it will either progress or flounder. It has to because we either develop our bond with someone or we kick it into touch.  Because they relationship between stalker and victim  is one sided and not founded on mutual trust and affection 9 out of 10 time it results in rejection for the stalker and this is where these cases become nasty.

In simple terms the stalker cannot handle rejection and because their view is not balanced then their reaction is not rational.  Consequently the stalker  may become threatening or violent.  The most famous cases are where staklker violently assault or even kill their victims, but in a lot of cases they can destroy the vistims life wiuth blackmail false allegations etc.

 

SOME BASIC STEPS TO PROECT YOURSELF FROM A STALKER

First and foremost try not to put yourself in the position where you become a victim. Don’t get in too deep with  people you don’t know.   This really applies to people on line or on the telephone.

If you feel that you are being stalked, take the situation seriously!

Don’t ignore the person’s behaviour and assume that it will go away over time — chances are in won’t!

Here are a few things that you can do to protect yourself:

Report all incidents to the police.

Destroy all personal paperwork properly.  I suggest that everyone buy a good quality  shredder.  Many stalkers (and other criminals)  have been known to go through their victim’s rubbish to get  personal information.

Keep a daily diary of incidents.  If possible take photos  This will be invaluable should you have to go to court.

Tell your friends, colleagues and line ,managers, human resources department of your situation.  If you work for a company with a security department (I don’t mean some old geezer who is security guard) tell them so that they are aware of the threat.

I would not change change your telephone number because the dedicated stalker will just see it as a challenge.  I would get a telephone with caller ID or simply install an answer phone and screen your calls.

There is a whole host more you can do and the points  above are just the billy basics really.  If anyone would like more info or strategies on dealing with stalking you can either email me or I will post more stuff  here

Let me conclude by saying that because the stalker often does not get what he or she is looking for, they get hurt feeling.  We all suffer from those and know that it can make us angry and silly.  In extreme cases it can make us  violent, but those are extreme cases.    Look for the warning signs and be sure to take possible situations seriously seriously.

 

REMEMBER YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR.

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