Archive for the ‘Yobs’ Category

Yobs 3 – Ezekiel 25:17.

Monday, June 4th, 2007

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee”

As quoted by “Jules” The character played by Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction just before he deals with some mother fucker.
10.20pm the mobile rings

“Hello This is MrsA, they are back”

“Thank you MrsA, don’t worry. Stay calm and keep away from the windows. We will be with you in about 30 seconds. As soon as we finish this call please ring 999 and ask for the police. Tell them there is a disturbance and tell them you think it is drug related and possible connected with something that happened last night”

“OK, Thank you”

This time our approach was very different to Friday. We tried being nice and subtle, clearly they did not understand or did not want to play ball. Tonight we were going to hurt them. Not injure them or beat them gratuitously, but hurt them. Believe me there is a difference. Think about it, if you have tooth ached or ear ache it gives the most excruciating pain but you are not injured or hurt as such. People remember pain and sadly on occassions it is the only way you can get through to some folks.

With no lights on and almost no sound the black Range Rovers rolled into the road where are our little friends were fucking about

We were there and on them before they knew it.

The deployment was Short, sharp and swift.

8 highly trained, very fit men dressed in dark boiler suits.

2 large German Shepherd dogs looking for action.

Some of the yobs tried to run and found themselves being brought to the ground by the dogs.
Some of the yobs tried to fight and they found themselves being restrained very painfully.
Some of the yobs pleaded innocence. They were restrained and searched. OK maybe they were given a bit of a tweek, but nothing serious I promise.
The ones who had encountered the dogs or had tried fighting, made mention of the fact that they were experiencing serious discomfort as the dogs bit and holds were applied.

And we said unto them “Shut the fuck up”

Some were so frightened they pissed themselves.

Other were just too dim to know what the fuck happened, apart from the fact that it hurt, and they didn’t like it.

“Did we not tell you all to fuck off and stay away from this area”

“We thought it just applied to the others”

“It applies to all of you”

Some more little bags of crushed soluble pain killers, dog conditioning tablets and foil wraps of dried herbs were distributed amongst the youths. Of course it is no offence to possess Bob Martins but these youths will be so busy protesting their innocence that it will make the boys in blue and the youths families even more suspicious. They wont get charged, but it will be enough for them to be arrested on suspicion and will give the police the ammo they need to get involved. They will want to keep the lid on any new drugs related turf war so they will be in the area more.
From the yobs point of view life is going to be uncomfortable. Even if they dont get charged, their houses will be searched for drugs. How would fancy trying to explaining that to your mum and dad. Lets see, the story would go like this “I was wi ma mates right. yeah and then these two black range rovers pull up like an these geezers we never seen before get out an plant these drugs on us like and then drove off. Yeah an the next thing the old bill is there and we is gettin arrested like.”

Of course the dog bites might add some credibility to the story – unless of course there was an attempted break in near by, at say premises with guard dogs. Nothing stolen of course just an attempt. In the dark everyone looks the same on cctv!
As the police sirens could be heard, these little bastards knew that they had fucked somebody off big time, and we knew where each of them lived.

On Sunday night all was quiet. Maybe the message has finally got home to the dick heads. If it hasn’t maybe we will take to hanging out outside some of their houses. Bring on the AC/DC at midnight.

Yobs 2

Saturday, June 2nd, 2007

Last night (Friday) we started sorting the yobs. One of the big things is to be cost effective. Mr & Mrs A cannot really afford to employ us so I have given them a global price of £1500 to resolve the situation. Now I know that £1500 sounds like a lot of money but we will not make any profit on this but if my plan works, it will work very quickly and will be permanant. Plus I have given them a total satisfaction guarantee this is now my problem not Mr & Mrs A’s. Half the time people just need to know there is someone willing to listen and do somehting.

Enough of the yak.

My intention here is to create a plan that will work on several levels. Part of my plan was to create an illusion in the yobs minds and in doing so give them some of their own medicine. Lastly we wanted to ensure that the police had evidence of criminal wrong doing on the yobs part, which would give them the leverage to take appropriate action.
Friday was spent in preparation and involved a trip to the cash point for some wedge, the supermarket and a chemist plus the sorting of vehicles. No modest A class today chaps, I needed two Range Rovers a flash mercedez and little car for back up. I was able to get the merc from a friend of mine but we had to hire the Range Rovers. Luckily I got a bit of discount but it was still £500.

On my shopping list for the chemist and supermarket was tin foil, soluble codeine & paracetamol pain killers, little plastic bags, plus some dog conditioning tablets. I had to go to several chemists which was a bit of zapin in the arse, because they would only sell me one box (32) of the pain killers at a time. Clearly I looked like a bloke with a very bad headache or a problem. Actually these painkillers are the most abused over the counter medication in the UK. Second is Ibuprofen. There you have learnt something.

This job is quite labour intensive as to get the right effect we needed to use 8 people in total. Two blokes in each of the Range Rovers and three in the merc, one driver, one shotgun and me in the back. Plus LD the K9 bloke in the little hire car. Preperations done we were suited and booted and the team briefed and we are ready to head south of the Thames. We would RV at a car park about 5 minutes from where Mr & Mrs A live and await the telephone call to say that our boys were ready to play and we could instigate part 1 of the plan.
We got the call from Mr A to say that the yobs were outside his house and it was show time.

There were about 9 yobs and a car. A little luminous green peugeot with go faster stripes and a big fat chrome exhaust and a fucking sound system cranked to a volume that would have made Lemmy from Motor Head wince. The yobs were cat calling to each other and swigging beer and generally fucking about as is their want.

Our convey consisted Range Rover, Merc, Range Rover. We swept down the road to where the yob were, with all lights headlights and fog lights on and as we came to a halt the doors of the vehicles opened and two blokes got out of each vehicle and were across the pavement and grass before the yobs even twigged that the big cars had stopped.

Actually Mick and Andy G the first two lads out of the Range Rovers are two very big blokes – very nice lads actually, but big well over 6’3″ and must weigh around 115KG.

Andy G was the assigned spokesman for us.
“Whose in charge?” asked Andy

“What?” was the rather predictably thick response from one youth

“Are you fucking deaf or just stupid? I said whose in charge” Said Andy
“ughh well I suppose Gavin is” said one thicko pointing at a thin faced lad sitting in the drivers seat of the car.

Whilst Mick went to deal with Gavin the other members of our team started searching the other youths for weapons. One young man told Andy that he had no power to search him. Andy reminded him that where as the police might need power of search, he was not a policeman, and so such technical niceties did not apply to him. Besides he said “I have this power” and promptly grabbed the legally minded youth by the nuts. I think Andy’s legal argument struck home. As an aside I reckon the youth could have a future in tap dancing judging by the nimble foot work he was doing.

Mick went to the door of the Peugoet and opened it.”get out of the car” Said Mick
“Wha?” said Gavin

“Get out” and Mick took hold of him non too gently by the front of his tracksuit and pulled him out of the car.

“Mr Norman wants a word with you”

“I aint dun nuffink, leave me alone”

Wrong response Gavin.

Mick took hold of Gavins hair and arm and frog marched him towards the Mercedez. I think it would fair to say that Gavin was having a bad walking experience. In true mafia style the window at the back of the Merc slid down.

I looked at Gavin

“Whats going on?” I asked

“That cunt assaulted me” Bleated Gavin. What is it with these fuck wits and their use of the law? Anyway it was the wrong response again, because the next thing he knew Gavins legs had been kicked from from under him by Mick. The hapless youth hit the deck like a sack of spuds. He let out a load cry as he made contact with mother earth.

Mick picked Gavin up by the hair again so that he was on his knees, his face at about car window hight.

“Shall we try this again young man?” I asked

He nodded. Well he would have nodded if Mick had not still got hold of his hair.

“What’s your name son”


“Well Gavin would you like to tell me what you are doing”

“Nuffink, me and ma mates are just hanging like”

“Hanging. Why here?”


“Do you live here”

“Nah I live in Addington”


“Its Gavin” he corrected me

“Gavin your continued presence in this neighbour hood is very detrimental to my business interests. I want you and your mates to fuck off back to Addington or life will become very uncomfortable for you. Do you understand?”

“I’ll get the law on to you, the old bill will…..”

“I don’t think so Gavin”

“Give him a drink please Mick”

“OK boss”

Mick took a small clear plastic bottle from his jacket pocket removed the lid and held the bottle in front of Gavins face.

“Drink” Commanded Mick

Gavin started to protest but pressure applied to his scalp made him change his mind and he took a little swig.

“Again and more” Instructed Mick. Gavin took a bigger swing and gagged and coughed.
“What is it” he coughed

“Red bull” replied Mick and made him take another hefty swig, so that by now Gav had drunk almost three quarters of the bottle.

I looked the gormless youth straight in the eyes

“Gavin, I mean what I say. If I see or hear of you and your mates hanging round here causing problems I will really give you a very uncomfortable time, now get in your car and fuck off back to Addington”

Mick pulled Gavin to his feet by his hair. Gavin stood there for a minute trying to work out quite what was going on
“Now fuck off you” Mick said

Gavin staggered back to his car and got in and all our team members were back in their vehicles. I could see some conversation going on. It would have bee nice to have stayed and chatted but it was time for us to go. I could hear the wail of police sirens approaching. Sure enough from behind us came blue lights. Our convey departed and split up at a sedate pace and we headed back to our second RV.

30 minute after we left I rang Mr and Mrs A. The police had knocked on their door earlier making enquiries because of a disturbance.
Of course Mr & Mrs A did not know a lot but were able to tell the officers that the lads had been gathering there most nights for the past few months and that this green car was often there.

Apparently when the police arrived the driver of the car had been yabbering like an idiot about some bloke in a merc threatening him. One of the officers smelt alcohol and realised that his bizarre behaviour was because he was pissed.

The car driver failed his breath test and will be charged.
Oh shit did we forgot to mention to poor old Gavin that there was vodka in with the red bull. How careless of us. I guess he wont be driving up from Addington anymore then.
They Police searched the lads and apparently found little packets a foil wraps of white powder on some of them along with a few similar packets in the car. It would appear that the car owner was dealing drugs. Most of the group had been arrested on suspicion of drugs offences and for possessing offensive weapons. The CID will be dealing with that aspect of the case over the weekend. In any event the officer assured Mr & Mrs A that they will be monitoring the situation from now on as they don’t want any more drugs related shootings.

We will continue to monitor the situation tonight.

Yobs 1.

Friday, June 1st, 2007

Yesterday I headed to sunny Shirley which is in South London near Croydon. I should have been suspicious, because I was on a double bunger, ie two pre job assessment meetings on the same day. It is very rare for two jobs to turn up in the same place at the same time. However I only ever work on one job at a time.

The first job was to call on Mr & Mrs Average whose life is being made hell by some yobs. Let me ask this how and why do they go from being cute kids to cunts? Well from what I could see Mr and Mrs A certainly not being befriended by cute kids.

The second job was to call on Mr & Mrs Protective because their daughter is being stalked by somebody. I say somebody because as I discovered it was all a little vague.

Which assessment to tell you about first. …. Lets go with the yobs first as I typed them first. I actually visited them second but who gives a toss about chronology.

Mr & Mrs A have lived in their neat, little, suburban semi detached house since before Mosses did a runner from Egypt. They had two children, a daughter who is a nurse working in the Arab Emirates and a son who had served in the first Gulf War, and is no longer with us. Mr A worked for an Insurance company in Croydon, and Mrs A for a large department store who has since ceased trading. They are honest decent people who have done fuck all to offend anyone and should be allowed to live their retirement in peace and tranquillity.

About 4 or 5 months ago, for no particular reason, a group of lads started hanging round outside their house. To start with Mr & Mrs A thought nothing of it, but the group got bigger and their behaviour worse. Mr & Mrs A tried asking nicely for them to be quiet and not so rowdy, but that just made matters worse.

Mr & Mrs A rang the police who were very sympathetic, but quite rightly said that if they intervened before any actual offences had been committed that a) they could actually make matters worse for Mr & Mrs A, and b) there would be allegations of racial prejudice and any future prosecutions could be jeopardised as a result. A few police officers have been past, but no real action has been taken. To be fair the police can only work with the tools society gives them. The courts require things like evidence and witnesses.

Things have gone from bad to worse for Mr & Mrs A, but the little shit bags have not actually committed and criminal offences. Yet.
Now then, there are these great Anti Social Behaviour Order or ASBOs in existence to deal with this sort of problem. In order to get one you need evidence and witnesses, so Mr & Mrs A sent a letter round to their neighbours. The only replies they got were from people saying sorry they were frightened of repercussion’s. The residents association sent a wishy washy letter saying they were unaware of problems, no crime committed, no police reports, sorry and all that blah blah blah. Reading between the lines the letter really said

“Dear Mr & Mrs A

So sorry you are having bother with these Chavs, but thank fuck they are outside your house and not ours.

Whilst they are there and not here it is not my problem, and so I don’t have to do the square route of shit all about it.

Should you die of a heart attack or should something else terrible happen as result of these confrontations, we will go on telly and the local radio and say what a sweet old couple you were and how outraged we are that this has happened, but we were not aware of any problems.


Jean and George Spineless-Tosser.

Residents Association”

Thanks a bunch.

So they have called me because there is nobody else willing or able to help them.

We went through the whole history, and I worked out a mental pattern and image of how these shit heads operated. The problem was worse at the weekends, so no surprises there then, as the yobs have a few beers and are full of them selves.

The next thing is to decide how Mr & Mrs A wanted us to play this. I have to consider what will work and what is cost effective from the clients point of view. To be honest, I would love to just turn up one Friday night with a couple of lads from the team and just kick the fucking living shit out of these bastards, but that would only be a temporary solution and very amateurish on our part. Now if they attacked us….

We could do an evidence gathering operation and go for an ASBO, but this plan has a few flaws. Firstly, ASBOs do not work very well on the intellectually challenged. Secondly, it would take quite awhile and cost quite a bit of money. Lastly, at the back of my mind, I seem to recall that in Shirley there is some legal problem meaning that ASBOs can’t be applied for or enforced and hence why there is quite a yob problem in the area. I have to be honest and say I am not quite sure what the legal problem is and maybe I should have looked, but as I was never going got go down the ASBO route I had no intention of loosing and sleep over it.

However we could do a sort of uncle Norman disco remix. You know a little bit of legal and a little bit of …of… Tony Soprano. Have a good Friday, Uncle Norman is off to play.

By their rules.