Archive for February, 2011

Corporate Restructuring 1

Monday, February 14th, 2011

We all have life changing experiences  such as our first kss, getting married, getting divorced, having children,  death. etc etc.

However sometimes we have a major experience which from the moment it happens it is as clear as lady Gagas clothing that things are going to change.

When I got shot not so long ago everything changed the instant the gun went off.  A split second later the first round had gone into my chest and the second round was on its way.

Newtons third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and various Eastern philosophies teach the same lesson but from a different perspective. Whether we are talking physics or philosophy the message is the same.

In this case the reaction to the gun being fired was for me to shoot my assailant in the face with a harpoon ( not the Moby Dick type of harpoon, but one from a sports shop that scuba divers use)

I have no recollection of this and had no idea the person in question had sustained what transpired to be fatal injuries.

Needles to say that the police of the country where all this took place took a dim view of people being shot in the street be it with a hand gun or harpoon.

The investigation was thorough and fair, but it did involve a lot of lawyers of different nationalities and expertise coming and going.

After quite a bit of time a preliminary hearing was set for some legal bod to decide if there was a case to answer and how the whole matter should be dealt with.  To cut  long story short, they eventually decided that I had acted in self defence, in so far as the assailant who had a history of mental illness had attempted kill me whilst I was on my way to do some snorkelling.

In the process of getting to this point I had several meetings with different UK lawyers who seemed to struggle with my job description.  One firm refused to work for me stating they felt what we did was immoral and wrong,  even if they could not prove it was illegal.  For the record I really admire them for having the backbone and integrity to stick to their beliefs.  I have had great leasure in recommending them and their services to people in more conventional situations.

However , I found myself at several meetings where some of these people talked a language I am not really familiar with.  Corporate speak.  This takes a vast quantity of English words and throws them together in such a ways as to give total and utter bollocks some meaning.

The first rule of corporate speak is never use one word when you can use several.

The second rule is to take clichés, management jargon and sporting metaphors and string them together.  The good orators can actually make some sense but most talk pure and utter bollocks.

Fortunately I have got to a point in my ife where I am not embarrassed or afraid to say “Excuse me,  I understand the meaning of the individual words you are using, but I have no idea what the fuck you are on about when you string them together to form sentences”.

Eventaully however and old friend from School put me in touch with another school friend who now has a law firm in Manchester.

He may have lost his hair but he had lost none of his simple approach to life and the law.

“Norm, your problem is that you and your business fall outside most business models”

“We are registered UK company and have accountants (bastards), pay tax and national insurance and all that stuff, we even have professional and public liability insurance, how can we not be legal or fit a model” I asked

“Ah well you see governments the world over will take your takes and deductions but it doesn’t mean you are legal and acceptable and until now it has never been a major  issue.  Now there is an issue,  until now I suspect that the individuals and corporations that have paid you to go here and there to resolve issues have written your expenses off as general security or investigations.  Furthermore s most of your work is going to be in places most politicians and judges don’t even know exist let alone care about they can turn a blind eye or wash their hands of knowing about it.  Unfortunately you have been shot and in return have killed your attacker in a European street and that my friend puts your right in the spot light.”

I could see his point, but it was not my fault I got shot, well not entirely although I could se why I was aguido number 1 for the dead person, but that aside how in our business do you get and stay legal and how can you be acceptable?

“Ah that is a good point and in essence there are two choices.  the first is to register your business in a country where you can be licensed or two register in a country where you don’t need to be licensed” He said

“And which is better and what do you recommend?”

“Good question and to be honest I dont know, but I know a man who does, so I will ask him and find out, but I do know that whatever happens” he paused and looked me in the eyes and said quietly ” you will need to undergo corporate restructuring”

He said the words like a doctor telling a client he was terminally ill but it was the reassuring pat of my forearm that told me this could be bad, but at least he told me in real English what was what and didn’t bullshit me when he didn’t know the answer to the difficult question.


Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

What size are babies?

The answer of course is baby size.  Your baby is that size and everyone elses is sort of fatter or skinnier than yours, but your baby is baby size.

The thing is that you forget just how small they are, or at least I had.  The funny thing is, that its not like I have not had any contact with young children or babies, yet I have still been taken aback by the tiny fingers and toes.

I know one thing I am glad I’m not a woman.  I hadn’t forgotten that bit, but had not quite remembered what they go through either.  Not for me, labour, child birth, milk coming through and the chapped nipples that look like red raw licorice torpedos with the colour half sucked off.  Ladies I salute you and am humbeled at your bravery.  I really mean that, that is not me taking the piss.

Serious design fault here God.  Trying to push a good size oven ready chicken out of such a small opening is no mean feat.


Moving on with tears in my eyes, I should tell you that since my sort of return to  domestication and  a more regular and normal (ahem) lif,  I have on occasions been able to catch up on some viewing.  My friends over the years constantly worry about me being out of the telly loop.  I do not share their concerns or feel hard done by.

Dr House – hard to take Black Adders artistocratic side kick seriously.

Desperate Housewives – cure for insomnia even if I dont need one.

I have revised my parenting skills with Outnumbered, although I have to say that the ineffectual parents do represent  a lot of people I know.    I enjoy it apart from the fact it makes me shout at the telly, which is daft, or not, maybe thats the sign of good TV.  Of course it could just be that I have lost it.

Strictly cum dancing sounded promising, but the time and the fact that old ladies talk you into a coma about it at any given opportunity should have warned me it was not suitable viewing for a chap of my sensitive disposition.

However I have seen some gems.  The IT Crowd has had me chuckling – usually out of context at 3am as I try to feed and change the new offspring.  The Big Bang Theory is also highly entertaining,  and without wishing to appear sexist,  the actress who plays Penny makes me think of breast feeding and the benfits that it gives a child.   She also reminds me the  benefits breast feeding gives fathers as they cant do it at anytime let alone in the middle of the night and thus remain asleep despite the racket that such a small bundle of arms and legs can make.

However I have really taken to one programme called How I Met Your Mother.  Highly amusing all in all,  for those of you who have been with this blog since the early days you will no doubt understand that I might have to make something up when asked this question in the future or risk a serious Eastern European beating.

Who’d have thought it tee hee.

Good job she doesn’t read this blog or I would be a deadman.

Maybe I should do some deleting.