Giving Your All

11/06/2010 by Uncle.

Unfortunately I recently had the misfortune to attend a meeting in London with some corporate go getters.

It is a long story as to why I was there, and to be honest, I had been had over and had been conned into going.  I wont bore you with the details, but if you are reading this you bastards I hope you sleep with one eye open.

And exhale and relax.

Any way, What a bunch of knobs they executive were,over three bloody hours of yak and the only bit that made any sense was when they said “Lets take a break”. 

I have been fortunate to have missed or should I say ducked and dodged  the managerial bullshit that seems to enthral us 24/7.  That’s a joke by the way.  At this meeting somebody accused me of being a communist because I did not hold with people being pestered whilst on holiday over some trivial bit of bollocks.  Nor do I think people should answer calls on their days off or outside business hours.  Yes there are times and certain jobs when it happens, but for the most part it is either just crap time/man management or plain stupidity on the part of people who think that work is the be all and end all.

Anyway whilst at this meeting some silly young lady was banging on about “team Players” and the “Team identity” and giving 110%  and it made me think of one of those silly round robin things you get in your email.

The more I thought about it the more it made me smile.  I was brought to my sense by this young lass saying to me in a very aggressive tone “Have I said something funny  surrr?” in a somewhat insolent tone.

It took me an instant to realise that this pubescent bint was addressing me

“Sadly not ” - I replied with some serious restraint

“Why then” she snorted with anger “are you smiling during my presentation.”

It was bad mannered of me I will admit and I suppose if I had been in her position I would have been vexed as well.  But I was not in her position, I was in my bum numbing brain deadening position.

I looked at this serious young lady with her wide angry eyes, flared nostrils and blushing cheeks.  Did you know by the way that you blush from the nipples up and regrettably this thought filtered into my sexist head.  My brain then sent a message to my eyes, which through no fault of mine, homed in on her chest.  I know its wrong and I am not proud.

However, it will tell you the level of my boredom when I  say that for the first time during this torture session did I realise that she not only had a rather exquisite chest, but it was only just contained in a revealing see through blouse with what looked like very slinky underwear.

I didn’t mean to smile more broadly, but alas I did.

More regret and head hanging on my part.

“What is so funny she bellowed” apoplectic with rage.

I stopped smiling and fixed her with a gamma death stare.

“Regrettably nothing” I said light blue touch paper stand well back

She let rip with a tirade of sound bytes about commitment, professionalism, something else and this and that and then she said if your not prepared to give 110% percent to this organisation then you should really consider if you should be in it.

I hardened my stare and she flushed and then I stood up.  Everyone went quiet and looked uncomfortable.

“Well teacher if you have finished,  let me start by saying that fortunately I am not a member of this organisation and I thank God for that with all my heart.  Secondly, let me tell you something that might help you in the future.”

She was going to say something but decided against it.

“Perhaps young lady you would like to tell us what Makes 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?”

You and your colleagues have banged on about giving more than 100% and  infact some have asked for 103%, but do you know what makes up 100% in life?”

And at this point I have to be honest and say I had to dig deep into the old memory to hope I got the witty email right

“Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions”

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.,  Then  H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%.“

“K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E  is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%  ,but  A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%”

The audience approved and I think the young lady appreciated it.  I waited for the murmurs to die down.  Actually I was hurriedly making sure that I go the rest right, because to be honest I am not the worlds best mathematician, but I had sort of learn this email off by heart, but even so.

“However B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T  is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 and that my friends equals  103%. but if you look at  A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G  that adds up to a staggering 118%” I have to be honest I couldn’t be arsed giving the individual numbers by this stage

“So, young lady one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will be seen as giving more than 100% and that’s why I was smiling”

Actually the real reason why I was smiling was that the original email concluded with the words “REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM’ and the wag who had sent it to me had added -OR NOT in your case (allegedly).

I do not envisage a return invite to the corporate ladder.

Actually, on a serious note.  I asked if we would get tea and biscuits and they said that there was “no fiscal allocation for light refreshment” It made me ask how much does a cup of tea costs in theses places and to make such a dent in the corporate profit that they could not authorisation a fiscal allocation for such light refreshment.

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