Archive for June, 2010


Saturday, June 12th, 2010

I recently fulfilled a longstianding obligation to a young lady who visits this site reguarly.

She wrote to me a long time ago from the USA saying her brother was seriously injured whilst on service with the US Army and she was very concerned about him.  I did say I would visit one day if I got the chance and I did finally manage to honour that promise.

The thing about being injured is that to start with it may make the papers and everyone is there for you, but as the days slip by other casualties fill those pages and you slip down the pecking order of importance until you re just some guy being a royal pain the arse holding everyone up.

“Hey fella you got no legs or some gaddamn thing move your arse, we got lives to lead”

“Fuck you ! do you think I would have stopped buying shoes and taken to using this fuckin wheel chair if I still had my legs you numb nut”

To start with there is support and assistance and counselling etc but that only lasts for so long and then you are on your own with of course the various departments of social services to help you.

There are a number of organisations, both in the UK and USA , who do excellent work fund-raising to help support these men and women who have had their lives so irrevocably changed in the the service of their country.

However whilst I applaud these efforts and the assistance they give I have a quaetion to ask.

Why is it necessary?

If you have a contract of employment with your country to fight its wars then in my opinion that country has a contract or duty  of care to support you if you are injured in the execution of its policies.

The care and its financisng should not need to be subsidised by individuals.

I do not wish to insult those people who give so much time and make such an effort to help those who have been injured, I just feel that if you go and do the governments fighting then the least that government can do in return is provide sufficient support and assistance from the moment you hit the deck pumping blood to the moment your suffering ends.  You should not be pushed from pillar to post and fed bullshit and made to fight tooth and nail for the bare minimum of assistance.

It seems to me that things are a bit one sided.

Giving Your All

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Unfortunately I recently had the misfortune to attend a meeting in London with some corporate go getters.

It is a long story as to why I was there, and to be honest, I had been had over and had been conned into going.  I wont bore you with the details, but if you are reading this you bastards I hope you sleep with one eye open.

And exhale and relax.

Any way, What a bunch of knobs they executive were,over three bloody hours of yak and the only bit that made any sense was when they said “Lets take a break”. 

I have been fortunate to have missed or should I say ducked and dodged  the managerial bullshit that seems to enthral us 24/7.  That’s a joke by the way.  At this meeting somebody accused me of being a communist because I did not hold with people being pestered whilst on holiday over some trivial bit of bollocks.  Nor do I think people should answer calls on their days off or outside business hours.  Yes there are times and certain jobs when it happens, but for the most part it is either just crap time/man management or plain stupidity on the part of people who think that work is the be all and end all.

Anyway whilst at this meeting some silly young lady was banging on about “team Players” and the “Team identity” and giving 110%  and it made me think of one of those silly round robin things you get in your email.

The more I thought about it the more it made me smile.  I was brought to my sense by this young lass saying to me in a very aggressive tone “Have I said something funny  surrr?” in a somewhat insolent tone.

It took me an instant to realise that this pubescent bint was addressing me

“Sadly not ” – I replied with some serious restraint

“Why then” she snorted with anger “are you smiling during my presentation.”

It was bad mannered of me I will admit and I suppose if I had been in her position I would have been vexed as well.  But I was not in her position, I was in my bum numbing brain deadening position.

I looked at this serious young lady with her wide angry eyes, flared nostrils and blushing cheeks.  Did you know by the way that you blush from the nipples up and regrettably this thought filtered into my sexist head.  My brain then sent a message to my eyes, which through no fault of mine, homed in on her chest.  I know its wrong and I am not proud.

However, it will tell you the level of my boredom when I  say that for the first time during this torture session did I realise that she not only had a rather exquisite chest, but it was only just contained in a revealing see through blouse with what looked like very slinky underwear.

I didn’t mean to smile more broadly, but alas I did.

More regret and head hanging on my part.

“What is so funny she bellowed” apoplectic with rage.

I stopped smiling and fixed her with a gamma death stare.

“Regrettably nothing” I said light blue touch paper stand well back

She let rip with a tirade of sound bytes about commitment, professionalism, something else and this and that and then she said if your not prepared to give 110% percent to this organisation then you should really consider if you should be in it.

I hardened my stare and she flushed and then I stood up.  Everyone went quiet and looked uncomfortable.

“Well teacher if you have finished,  let me start by saying that fortunately I am not a member of this organisation and I thank God for that with all my heart.  Secondly, let me tell you something that might help you in the future.”

She was going to say something but decided against it.

“Perhaps young lady you would like to tell us what Makes 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?”

You and your colleagues have banged on about giving more than 100% and  infact some have asked for 103%, but do you know what makes up 100% in life?”

And at this point I have to be honest and say I had to dig deep into the old memory to hope I got the witty email right

“Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions”

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.,  Then  H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%.

“K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E  is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%  ,but  A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%”

The audience approved and I think the young lady appreciated it.  I waited for the murmurs to die down.  Actually I was hurriedly making sure that I go the rest right, because to be honest I am not the worlds best mathematician, but I had sort of learn this email off by heart, but even so.

“However B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T  is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 and that my friends equals  103%. but if you look at  A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G  that adds up to a staggering 118%” I have to be honest I couldn’t be arsed giving the individual numbers by this stage

“So, young lady one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will be seen as giving more than 100% and that’s why I was smiling”

Actually the real reason why I was smiling was that the original email concluded with the words “REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM’ and the wag who had sent it to me had added -OR NOT in your case (allegedly).

I do not envisage a return invite to the corporate ladder.

Actually, on a serious note.  I asked if we would get tea and biscuits and they said that there was “no fiscal allocation for light refreshment” It made me ask how much does a cup of tea costs in theses places and to make such a dent in the corporate profit that they could not authorisation a fiscal allocation for such light refreshment.



World Cup Fever

Friday, June 4th, 2010

I had braved the volcanic ash and Ryanair’s baggage policy and met up with some long standing friends of highly dubious reputation.

I have to say, that having not seen the motley bunch for some time I was a little taken aback at how hang dog they seemed.  There were the usual bad taste jokes too much beer and the evening ended with the inevitable ruby murray in the king Street Tandoori, but there was an air of melancholy about them.

Being the caring sort of geezer that I am and taking my mens welfare seriously I felt it was time to put all that managerial training to good use and to see if I could counsel them through this difficult time and to touch those sensitive issues, which would bond us and allow these troubled individuals to draw on their inner talents and strengths and thus overcome whatever bollocks was making them so friggin miserable.

“What the fuck is wrong with you lot?  Christ you think you had your nuts chopped off the way you are all sitting here with faces like a wet Sunday, sorry Dave no offence intended”

Dave “No nuts” nodded back “None taken boss”- its a long story that can be summed up by the words bullet & balls – but moving on I looked at them “What is the problem?”

“Well ” said Dave looking a bit sheepish” It’s just that we are all getting old Boss and its all sort of slipping away from us like”

“What do you mean, what’s slipping away?” I asked.

“Life” said Andy G

“And what the hell has brought all this on, have you lot been watching Oprah or day time TV again” I asked

” Its The world cup” chipped in the Scouse Git.

“The world Cup? What the fuck has the the world cup got to do with the price of fish.  More to the point what the hell has it to do with life slipping by?” I asked with not too much trace of the managerial touchy feelyness I had intended to practice.

“In 1966 we were all lads” chipped in Bunny Warren

“Yeah so what?” I asked still not seeing where this was going

“Well, there was loads of World Cups ahead of us and England won” Bunny went on

“yeah so”

“The thing is boss, we know you don’t follow football, but for starters we will probably only see another 4 maybe 5 world cups at tops and as things stand we probably wont see England win another one in our life time”

“Thats it?” I was dumbfounded.  The world bloody cup, who would adam and eve it. They nodded gloomily ” You never know” I said trying to rally the troops “They might just pull it one out of the bag this time”

The looked at me every man jack of them.  they didn’t say a word but looked at me with hard stoney glares.  I shrugged “You never know lads, I mean fuck it if you dont have a go you cant win, they have as good a chance as everyone else”

Scouse Git looked at me and said ” I dont believe you sometimes boss, everyone here knows they are fucked, but you still think they have a chance.”

“Yeah of course I do it aint over till its over, and,  as for only having 4 or 5 world cups left in you,  well I have to be honest,  I have never heard anything so friggin lame in  all my life you wankers”

And then they  started to laugh.  I thought No Nuts was going to fall off his chair, his balance has not been so good since, since … well you know the ahhem accident.

The laughed like drains until the waiter asked if they were OK, decided they were and brought 8 more pints of Kingfisher.

Eventually they stopped laughing and I was able to ask what was so funny, because to be honest I had no idea what the joke was.

“You” said SG

“Me? what have I got to do with the world cup and being funny”

“Nothing it’s just that, well you always seem to think there is a chance you never seem to think you will loose …the eternal bloody optimist”  SG shook his head and looked at me ” You look at life like a kid sometimes, have you ever thought you would loose because if you have then we have never seen it”

I can only assume they have been blinded by an accumulation of all that world cup fever over the years .

You see the thing is that for quite a long time I really didn’t care if I won or lost, but what I didn’t realise was that my self destruct mode was seen as eternal optimism.  I have never been so ashamed and embarrassed in all my life.

BY the way I have a fiver on England.

and Spain

and Germany

and Portugal

Oh and Brazil, Italy and France.

Should just about cover the main players.