Spring Time

At last I have a few spare moments for my stumpy little digits to tap the key board.

I am sorry for the prolonged absence, but this has been due to a variety of bureaucratic and administrative processes not to mention a recuperation process which was not entirely trouble free.

In novels the hero man of action knows no legal boundaries and lives a buccaneer lifestyle.  Alas the things of stories.  The reality is that there are tax forms, insurance papers, employers obligations and a whole host of other bollocks to tie one down.  In short I am surprised that in the modern western world anyone has time to go out and kill deal with anyone and thus earn an honest(ish) crust.

At the end of November I had to go and see our accountants – yes we have accountants, after all we are an honest business, well as honest as the average politician, and so we have accountants, lawyers and business advisers.  These are not always happy meetings as they try to make head and tail of some of our “essential expenses”.

Accountant ” Uncle Norman, who is Mr Glock and why did you need to pay him X on Y occasions”, but my favourite was when they questioned why we had sexual services  in France down as an expense.

“What sexual services in France are you on about?” I asked the chubby faced youth, He snorted and said rather pompously “There are a number of entries for Body Amour, I presume that this is some kind of massage parlour or is lingerie you bought for some lady”

“Amour? ” I said racking my brains “That’s body amour you tit, look at who issued the bills”   He snorted again ” But even so, it is a lot of money and why did it need to be replaced?”, “Because there were bullet holes in it, is that a good enough reason?”  Although I skipped over the bit that I don’t actually like wearing it and frequently don’t, which with hindsight, may not have been my wisest move at times.  Still you live and learn.

Still at least he did not ask about Messrs,  Heckler, Koch and Browning! or the payment to the Happy Ending Massage Parlour in Thailand.  Tee hee.

Anyway It may not come as a shock that we have since sacked our accountants and have changed a lot of things following the “lets get your blood pressure up” session with them and  my little accident.

So I had a lengthy meeting with our solicitors who echoed my own concerns that we were in danger of contravening a plethora of UK laws and regulations.  I have made no secret of the fact that I am on very good terms with a number of police officers in Special Branch or whatever they call themselves these days as they come to see me regularly when they get wind of  my being employed in what might be refereed to as “Sensitive locations”.  Two of them had come to visit me just after I had been shot and expressed concern that I could be a sitting duck for some whizz kid trying to make a name for himself.

The legal beagle was also very concerned  and agreed with the plods that as things stood I was rather bare arsed.

The problem is that although private investigators are not licensed in the UK yet almost every other aspect of the security industry is.  The other thing is that the jobs we do are not quite within  the remit of most other similar companies.

Thus I went to see our business advisers in Yorkshire who are very good.

My Trip to Yorkshire was very productive and at after 2 hours of no nonsense chat and a bill for almost £4K I had a new entirely legal corporate structure -outside the UK – which is totally legal but free of licensing requirements and can operate anywhere in the word without any problems and without the need for accountants.  Money well spent in my opinion.

Of course we always keep books and accounts, you have to make sure you are actually making money, but hopefully that’s the end of stupid meetings and justifying paying Mr Glock.

Our law bidding friends in Parliament have kept me amused over the months.  I like the term “expenses scandal”, when we really mean thieving and deception.  As I have already said we have to justify everything but they have been at this caper for years without anyone blinking an eye.  what is worse is The standard defence seems to be “I was only doing what everyone else did” – a defence which did not carry much weight at the Nuremberg War Trials, but that was few years ago and clearly in the UK we have come round to thinking that if everyone else was doing naughtiness then that makes it OK.

The last few weeks of course have been livened up (NOT) by the election.  I regret to say that I am not overly impressed with any of them and the words “fat” and “fire” spring to mind.  Do anyone of these plonkers actually know anything about real life and the problems faced by the rank and file.  I doubt it, but it is funny listening to them telling us how they will make it better and that they will change this that and the other.

Yeah right, and I will get to the dance the naked  horizontal mambo with Lady Gaga.

9 Responses to “Spring Time”

  1. Bendy Girl says:

    Really glad to see you’re alive and well…even if it’s all relative!
    And no, not a one of ‘these plonkers’ has even the tiniest amount of insight into how the vast majority of us live. It’s depressing. But you’re doing ok…so yeay!
    BG x

  2. dl says:

    Welcome back, UN. Glad you’re still in one piece.
    Best wishes,

  3. ailsa says:

    Glad your back!

  4. dave says:

    dam thought you’d snuffed it, thats another fiver lost……

  5. Uncle says:

    BG – I am alive and very well. The thing is i was only injured and one tends to get better. I have to say that for a few weeks when I was not so hot I did think very hard about people like you living with deteriorating conditions. I really take my hat off to you for being so upbeat and witty.
    If that sounds patronising it is not meant to be.

    Hello DL and Sally – Down but not out. Hope all is well in the L household.

    Ailsa – Thank you for stopping by. I have a few days to sort some things out and then I really hope to get back to normal.

    Dave – Sorry about your fiver, but I will try harder next time.

  6. Bendy Girl says:

    Usually that kind of statement is patronising…but not when it’s from someone who’s experienced the kind of injuries you have.
    It sounds trite, but the whole crip/life falling apart thing taught me how bloody lucky we are in the West, and how ungrateful we are about it most of the time. I have my down times, but I can imagine only too well what it would be like to be disabled in the developing world and or in fact anyone in the developing world. Losing some things makes you realise how many other things there are to be happy about. Or some such medication induced rambling, but I’m sure you know what I mean.

  7. brummie says:

    glad to see you are back and still breathing … any news of Joseph lately?
    by the way whats happened to billy boy and j?… not heard from him in a while, no answer to my emails ..

  8. Uncle says:

    Hello Brummie- Not sure when you last saw him, I will email him and tell him you are asking after him. He doesn’t change, like Brian Potter without the charm.

  9. Joanna Cake says:

    Uncle!!! I don’t know what suddenly made me look you up but here you are and I am so pleased to see you x

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