Barker 4 – Private Investigations

I initially thought I would speak to Minton/Barker first, but it was apparent that he didn’t feel like a chin wag, so I searched him, just in case he had any other weapons he might think of using.  He didn’t, but he did have a wallet in which was over £1000 plus credit cards, driving licence, club id and loads of other stuff all in the name of David Barker. There was a small bunch of keys that he had used to open the drawer to the desk in the office plus some BMW car keys.  I put the wallet and keys in my pocket and decided to speak to the real Barker and the woman instead.

I got the duct tape off Barkers mouth and the first thing he said was “Sorry about all this sir, I think I fucked up a bit” There was no doubt that our Dave Barker hadn’t changed  much.  I found that he had been secured with cables ties and duct tape.  A real belt and braces job.

My question to him was simple “What the fuck is going on here David?”

I went to the woman and started to untie her as Dave started to tell me the story.

“I have been doing private security and investigation work and was contacted by this woman because she thought her husband was cheating on her.  Turned out that her husband was that cunt Minton, the fucking cry baby who got me in a load of shit when I was in the job, when I hadn’t done anything, in fact if those two wankers had been able to handle themselves in the first place they would never have got them selves in such a shite situation…”

Clearly this was still a touchy subject, but it didn’t help me understand what was going on and what, if anything, it had to do with me

“David” I interrupted “Just give me the bare bones of what THIS is all about and you can fill me in on the full history later on if needs be”

“Sorry sir, right well, she told me where he worked and all that sort of stuff so I sat up on him and followed him off.  He was very surveillance conscious, in fact paranoid would be a better way of describing it, but I was better than him and yeah he was cheating on her, in fact he wasn’t just over the side, he was leading a double life in more ways than one.  She (indicating the woman) knows him as Dave Minton and that is his real name, but his soon to be new wife knows him as Dave Barker and everyone here at the wedding knows him as that.  The thing is,  he has stolen my identity and did so way back when we were in the job together.  Says he was ex Para etc did this, served here etc and is now apparently involved in some sort of secret squirrel work and that explains why he is away so much.  In actual fact he was going home to see her and his kids”

That sort of answered some questions

“So where had you got to?”

“I had photos of him with the new fiancé at clubs and restaurants plus he has a couple of other birds on the go as well.  Plus, if that’s not enough  he likes to frequent the toms in Soho and the west end.  Mrs Minton decided she was going to divorce him and wanted a reasonable pay off.  I have to say that she is a pretty reasonable lady and lives a fairly ordinary life in an ordinary house and I don’t think she knew how much this bloke is worth.  He is loaded, but I can tell you it’s not all honest money.”

“How’s that” I asked

“Ah well, Its a bit complicated you see” Why didn’t that surprise me? “His company ie Mintons company does some kind of bathroom supplies or plumbing yet he has several operations in the name of Barker, one of which trades in mobile phones, yet  I have never seen any delivered to any of his premises.  The thing is I saw from his records at companies house that he was making big money from it.  The other thing is that he has made visits to quite a few unlikely retail premises around London and the south east and up in Brum and the west midlands and they don’t seem like his sort of thing at all.  They are crappy looking shops selling kitchen appliances and tvs and stuff one even sells cheap sports goods.

“Look I have the gist, we can talk about the other stuff later, but why am I involved in this?”.  I asked

Dave looked a bit sheepish.  No he didn’t, he looked a lot sheepish and let out a big sigh “I said I was your right hand man.  It happened by accident about a year ago, somebody asked if they knew this “Uncle Norman” and from the description I knew it was you and so I said I did.  I was a bit pissed and I was looking for some good jobs and said I was your head honcho.  I have to be honest I have done quite a few jobs in your name”  He looked at me. “I’m sorry sir I really am”

“Ah well I admire your honesty, but I still cant see why I am here” I said

“Oh yes, sorry , well erm, I got this particular job off the back of you again and Minton thought you knew I was here and that I was reporting to you.  When he and that snide cunt Hanson worked me over with their little stun gun, they got your details from me.  Minton is some kind of wannabe SAS type and I think a) he actually wanted to meet you and b) I think he thought you might be able to make this problem of his wife and the real me go away.  That’s it in a nut shell sir.  I am so sorry to have dragged you into this I really am”

“Yeah well thanks a bunch David, still not much point me getting hot under the collar about it now is there?” I said somewhat grumpily. “How much did Mrs Minton want?” I said

“I had agreed fifteen thousand pounds as a starter” She interjected “With a monthly payment of three thousand plus the house and car and the kids school fees”

“Sorry” I said “Didn’t mean to leave you out”

“That’s alright, you’ve been busy and I’ve been listening, I mean you think you know somebody and then bam eveything you thought was normal and good and Ok just falls apart,  I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  Anyway you don’t want to listen to me moaning do you?”  She was right, of course I didn’t want to listen to anymore drivel, but I did the typical thing and something like “No not at all, must be very upsetting”  She then carried on “David – my David that is- had agreed the details with Mr Barker and then said he wanted me to come here to give me the fifteen thousand in cash and to sign something or other.  When I got here he we went to his office and he showed me the money and then brought me down here to this room, ostensibly to talk and then zapped me with that stun gun zapper thingy.  About and hour later he does the same to Mr Barker”

“How you feeling now?” I asked

“Te tell the truth I am busting for the loo, I kept getting the impression I had peed myself after he zapped me, but apart from that I’m OK”

I said I would see what we could do to sort the toilet problem asap.  I still wasn’t any the wiser really as to what the hell I was doing there, but as far as I could see I had freed two hostages and survived being assaulted and that really I had done more than I should have and that I should really sod off out of it, which I was about to do when something struck me.  “He actually showed you the money?” I asked

“Yes we counted it out and then when he said he wanted to talk to me in another room he put it in the top drawer of his desk”

“And just one\last thing are you actually married to this comedian” I asked her

“Yes” she said “We got married in the West Indies fifteen years ago”

“I don’t suppose you can throw anymore light on this can you?” I asked Pc plod.  He shook his head “Not really, I am beginning to feel like a bit of a lemon, this has got well out of hand”

“Indeed” I agreed.  “Right then you” I addressed Minton now “lets get some answers from you?”

“I want a solicitor I have rights and I am not saying anything” He protested.

I caught the policeman’s eye and he looked embarrassed, shrugged and looked away.

“Am I missing something here?” I asked feeling rage welling up inside me “You think you have rights, who the hell do you think I am Inspector fucking Morse?”

“But…”he retorted pompously.

“No buts fuck head , you started playing way outside the law years ago, so don’t start pleading the 5th with me you pot of piss.  You ring me up and drag me down here by deception for some kind of friggin laugh, well let me show you just what kind of rights you have”  I grabbed him by the hair at the side of the head and lifted him off the floor- the old teachers nip- it wont kill you, but by heck it bloody hurts.  He yelled and tried to struggle and lifted himself up on one hand whilst the other hand flayed about.  Being a nice sort of chap I gave him a swift kick in the nuts as a wedding present.  He doubled up in pain.  I let go off him and he dropped back to the floor.  I will admit that it was unnecessary and I am a little bit ashamed because I don’t approve of gratuitous violence, but on this occasion it made me feel a hell of a lot better.

“Look Minton clearly you are some kind of loon and I have to be honest I don’t know why I am wasting my time here with all of this. As I said, I have been dragged down here under false pretences and into something that had fuck all to do with me.  Not only that, but I have been attacked and assaulted by that tosser”  I bent down and took hold of the hair on the top of Mintons head and pulled him to his feet.

“Right then chaps,  fun as all this is, I am afraid it is time to call this little get together concluded.  Everyone up and out of here, we are going to the office”

“What about me?” asked the policeman

“Yeah and you.  Now then. as far as I and anyone else is concerned you came in here to look for something and slipped and hurt yourself, unless you want to explain to CIB or whatever the complaints people call them selves these days your part in the assault, kidnapping and all the other bollocks that has gone on.  You might get away with it, but I doubt it, besides which I know where you live now so if you go making problems for me I will come after you, your wife, your family even your grannys dog.  Now then any thing about that you dont understand?”


“Good so we have an understanding?” I asked

“Yes” he nodded.

“Very wise move my friend, right lets go”

We shuffled out of the store room and back to the office.  The Jazz band were getting going and sounded pretty good and there were the sounds of quite a few people outside having a good time.  I would have loved to have stayed, but you now how it is and I always cry at weddings!

Once in the office I locked the door and went to the desk intending to open the drawer with a view to sorting out some of the financial business.    I tried the keys in the large top drawer of the desk and got the right one on the third try.   I had expected to find the wad of money I had seen and probably the fifteen thousand promised to Mrs Minton. I did not expect to find a drawer full of money. There were wads of fifty pound notes, Each wad was labelled as having £5000 100 x £50 notes.  I took three wads and handed them to Mrs Minton.  I handed £2500 to Dave Barker and decided I was due 2500 ex gratia payment for loss of holiday, deception assault not to mention the deep emotional upset and trauma I had suffered at being buggered about.

I wrote out six  receipts, two for each respective payment,  and each was signed by us and countersigned by PC Hanson, who  was initially reluctant to witness the signatures, but I persuaded him that if he didn’t play ball we would double our stake and deny all knowledge of any money.  I kept three of the receipts and left the copies on Mintons desk

And as far as I was concerned, that was that, and I had done more than my bit and it was time to go.  This was far to involved and convoluted for me to stay and waste anymore time.  I stood up and said as much.

The real Dave Barker looked horrified “What about the frauds and his bigamy and all the other stuff?”

“What about it?” I asked genuinely confused “N.M.P”

“What?” said Barker

“Not my problem David”

“Well are we going to leave him to get away with it?” He retorted in a very indignant tone

“Listen Scooby Doo if you want to unravel a mystery be my guest, but don’t expect me to hang around wait for you to unmask old man withers from the amusement park.  I’m off, this is  a job for the old bill, that’s what they’re paid for, and I can tell this for nothing, they don’t take too kindly to people like you and I trying to do their job for them.  I mean, for fuck sake David, you should know that better than anyone you were in the job.”

“Well what about her divorce” He said pointing at Mrs Minton

“She can get a solicitor and do it the usual way and you can provide her with the evidence she needs and charge her for it”

“To be honest I need a loo more urgently than I need a divorce” quipped Mrs Minton. “I agree send me the photos and your evidence and will sort out a solicitor”

“David – take Mrs Minton home.  On the way out find a toilet and do not get into any trouble or discussions with anyone do you hear?”

“Yes sir”, but before he could leave there was another interjection.

“And David stop bandying my name around in public, ring the office and I will see what we can sort out in the way of work in the future”

Barker grinned “Thanks sir I wont forget this”

“I tell you something I bloody wont”

“What about my arm?” whined Hanson

“Oh for crying out loud” I gasped in exasperation “I’ll put it back for you or you can go to hospital, which do you want” I said.  He didn’t look too delighted at the idea of me touching his arm, but decided it was the lesser of two evils.  Actual it popped back in really easily and a couple of minutes later he was looking a much happier.

“Can I still get married to JJ?” asked Minton/Barker in a sort of semi conscious way.

“You can” I said “But there is the little matter of being already married, which I think you will find will make you a bigamist, but I am no expert, ask Hercule Poirot over there” I looked at Hanson “Still want to be best man and a knowing party to an illegal wedding.  Isn’t there an offence of Perjury along with all the other things for both of you?”

“I erm Dave maybe we should have a chat”  Said Hanson.

“Feel free to talk amongst yourselves when I’ve gone”  I stood up and looked at them.  What a mess.  “John, If I were you I would fuck off out of it, but that’s only my advice”

I said a cheery goodbye and left the office.  As I went down the hall the sumptuous JJ walked towards me with another slightly older but nonetheless very strokeable woman and started wagging a finger at me.

“Colonel, you are a very naughty boy, you kept him much longer than you promised you would”

“Oh trust me madam I have been here no longer than necessary I can assure you”

She smiled “Well that’s alright then, can I introduce you to my sister Muriel”

We smiled and exchanged pleasantries and JJ walked on in the direction of the office.  I called after her and she turned and I wished her good luck. She waved a hand in acknowledgement and walked off.  The sister looked at me and then half said half sang very quietly “Oh little sister what have you done, …Its a nice day for a white wedding,… its a nice day to start again” and then sighed and looked at me and shook her head.  Our eyes met and she smiled, shrugged and sighed before following her sister.

You don’t come across many Muriels these days.  In fact I don’t think I have ever come across a Muriel, tee hee.

I went back to my car and got in and opened the windows to let some of the warm air out and let cool air in and just sat for a moment with bloody Billy Idols “white wedding”  going through my head before starting up the car and reversing from my parking spot.  I turned on the radio and wouldn’t have been surprised if Billy Idol had been crooning at me, but instead it was Dire Straits.

Its a mystery to me
The game commences
For the usual fee
Plus expenses
Confidential information
Its in a diary
This is my investigation
Its not a public inquiry


I go checking out the report
Digging up the dirt
You get to meet all sorts
In the line of work
Treachery and treason
Theres always an excuse for it
And when I find the reason
I still cant get used to it


And what have you got at the end of the day ?
What have you got to take away ?
A bottle of whisky and a new set of lies
Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes


Scarred for life
No compensation
Private investigations

It all struck a very true chord

Apart from the scarred for life bit.

Oh and the bollocks about no compensation.

Private Investigations

5 Responses to “Barker 4 – Private Investigations”

  1. dl says:

    Hi UN,

    All the time I lived in Farnham, the only thing remotely racy ever to have come out of the place was Mike Hawthorn (albeit a few years before I arrived on the scene).

    If you wanted bigamy, dodgy dealings and violence, you had to step across the Surrey-Hampshire border into Aldershot (a place I’m sure you’ve been well-acquainted with in years gone by).

    Joking apart, this has been another fascinating account. I’ve often thought, over the years, I’d like to try my hand at this or that line of work. However, yours is one where I know I wouldn’t even get off the starting blocks.

    Great song, btw. I now feel the need to dust off my Dire Straits LPs and see if the turntable still works.

    Best wishes,

  2. Andy says:

    Another interesting interlude Norman – my the Mintons of this world do lead complex lives don’t they. I thought you’re handling of the real David Barker was a classic lesson in man management – people could learn a lot from that alone.

    On another subject, wouldn’t mind some your, ahem, expertise being meted out on Quentin Davies – the fuckwit minister in the MOD after his recent comments on the resignation of Major Morley .. what do you think


  3. JH says:

    I reckon fighting wars is easier than this stuff.

  4. havingmycake says:

    Fabulous read, UN. Particularly loved the two songs at the ending. I’d forgotten Dire Straits did that one. Sometimes life is quite curious when it gives us our own soundtrack.

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