The wound inflicted on my buttocks and arm by Seamus the IRA dog living in Kenya was not looking so good.  To be honest I can’t see the one on my arse but if it looked as bad as the one on my arm is was not a pretty sight.

I rang Dr Death to see whether he could have a look at my injuries.  Always the professional Death received news of my injury like this.

“Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa gasp  haaaaaaaaaa  haaaaaa  erherm  haaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  wheeze You were bitten on the arse by a dog I wish I could have seen it”

“Actaully that why I am ringing”

“What you got it on video?”

“No Id didn’t get it on video, I want yo to look at my wounds because they dont lookm so good”

“Oh I see ” said the heartless medic with more than a hint of disappointment. “OK I suppose I could see you tonight at about 7pm.  Are you up for a curry and couple of beers”

“I think so but sitting is painful” I said weakly.  This just sent Death off into more raucous laughter.  I hung up.

L looked at me in a very concerned way.  “Is he a real doctor?  He sounds like a mad man”

“Right on both counts my love”

7pm and I am at Deaths surgery trouser down rump exposed.

“Who the fuck stitched this?” was his opening gambit

“Boris” I said weakly

“Boris the Blade! you let that murderous butcher near your arse with a suturing kit? ”  I took it from his tone that he did not think much of Boris’s handy work.

“Options were limited” I said

“I can fucking see that, but Boris…..”  he shook his head “I’ll be honest Norm your arm is infected and a mess, but your poor old backside is in a very sorry state.  I ‘ll clean it up and give you some antiB’s, but I have to tell you I reckon you are going to need surgery”

There then followed a very painful half hour whilst he tended to my bum.  I am sure he would have been quicker if he hadn’t kept laughing.

To be fair he bought me a curry and couple of Cobras which eased the pain slightly.

I now have an appointment with a surgeon who may have to do some deep cleaning.

Why does this sound painful?

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