Archive for January, 2008

Dawn 4 – Love on the Rocks

Monday, January 28th, 2008

Hands up those of you who thought I had done or would do the dirty deed with Dawn?

Well you were wrong.  Tempted, oh yes, but I did not give in to temptation.  What a hero!

Flattered as I was I kept a level head (if you will excuse the expression) and very gently told her that she was very sexy and beautiful, but in these circumstances it would be very wrong.  If she wanted me to help her with her little problem I would have to maintain a professional distance so as to be objective.

She responded by saying she understood and immediately removed the rest of her clothes and got into bed and started to outline the problem.  I was done in and in need of some shut eye, so I got down to my boxers and tee shirt and trying hard to conceal my traitorous friend got into bed beside her.

She lay in the bed on her side and looked me.  She smiled and stroked the side of my face.  I smiled back but did not say anything.  She then started to tell me her story. As I mentioned before Dawn was some kind of International contracts lawyer and her story was articulate and without superfluous details or frills.

To cut a long story short, it would seem that the BIL had been spending a lot of time working late.  Initially this was genuine and fuelled by his desire to be richer than he is.  This came as a surprise, because although a bit prissy and always had a very flash jam jar and designer threads he has never struck me as being greedy.  I suppose they liked their Club Med Holidays and the like and they don’t come cheap, but even so I had not had him down as being so financially motivated..  This was only the first of several revelations about him that made me look at him in a different light.

The working late went from being occasional to the norm.  Then he started coming home smelling of drink, then this became semi pissed every now and very soon it was almost every night.  This sort of drinking is not good not matter how you looked at it, but bearing in mind he worked in London and they lived out on the Surrey/Berkshire borders meant he had a long way to drive was not the best idea.  Dawn by way of retaliation was getting stuck into the grog as well.  She stopped cooking his grub, which instead of getting his goat, just didn’t bother him.  He got home later and later, they both got more and more pissed.

Their sex life started to dwindle.  Jeez, what a shocker.

Apparently they had been an every other night couple with some very interesting deviations.  For the benefit of the more sensitive reader I will skip some of the details, but I have to say I was starting to look at both Dawn and the BIL in a very different light from before.

The sex stopped totally.  He would get home at about 10pm maybe later, sober enough to be coherent but pissed enough to be clumsy and have memory loss the next morning.  It would seem that they already had an extensive collection of sex toys already and she would wait till he came home and got into bed and then she would start using them on herself.  He would read his Andy McNab book and the doze off.

“You know” she said “I would use those big vibrators and imagine it was you and I wanted you so badly.  I always have, but by this stage the feeling of needing you was over whelming”  I wasn’t sure of the size she was talking about, but I had an inkling that reality would not match the plastic.  She went quite and then looked at me in a very odd way “When Alison died I thought that God had given me a break and that I could come and look after you and that would give the the opportunity to get you to fall in love with me” she laughed “You never even noticed me and in fact you became so distant from everyone that I could have sat on your face and I don’t think you would have noticed.”

I knew what she was saying, but I think even I would have noticed her sitting on my face.  Its the sort of thing one notices.

“I tried so hard, maybe too hard, because you just got more and more snappy with me”

I thought about this and recalled a few of the spats I had had with her over the last few years.  With horror I realised she was dead right.  At the time I thought she was just being a pain, when in reality she was trying to get closer to me rather than alienating me.

“I am very sorry” I said rather lamely “I….” she held a finger to my lips

“Don’t say anymore.  Sorry is enough and really I should have done things differently.  Anyway what’s done is done.  I became more and more lonely, Simon was obviously having an affair and my one love..” she gave me a playful dig in the ribs “Did not want me.  I contemplated suicide one day.  Actually it was for about 30 seconds, but it did cross my mind.  And then I started surfing the internet just killing time.  I found and  started reading a blog written by a woman called Dee.  I liked her style and started commenting and then we started exchanging emails”

“So how did that become an affair?” I asked

“To be honest I don’t know, it just happened.  We started communicating more and more by email and the emails became more and more…intimate, until we were having…” she tailed off.

“Sex by correspondence?” I offered.

Dawn laughed “Yes that’s it”

“So what’s the problem then?” I asked a little bemused

“Well, it would seem this woman is not who she says she is”


“Well she knows a lot about me and I don’t know anything about her and then she emailed me one day about a week ago and said it was over and that she was not who she said she was”

“Right, so you broke up effectively, but you had never met is that right?” I said a little confused as to what the problem really was.

“No we never met” she confirmed

“And so you never had any actual physical contact”

“No we didn’t” she confirmed

“So what’s the problem” I asked

“She has tried to blackmail me”


“She says she will tell Simon everything if I don’t do as she asks” she said sounding genuinely worried and looking frightened.

“Fucking big deal, from what you say he wouldn’t give a toss”

“Well that’s the rub” she said slowly “I think she knows Simon, because she said something that only Simon and I would know about a client he was working on.  We don’t sit in total silence you know.  Despite the things I have said the weekends are civilized and we have not reached the point of open hostility in front of the kids.  Wes till function as a family during holidays and when the kids are around, so we do talk about things”

“What does she want from you?”

“Permission to use my emails in a book”

“Look Dawn,  I don’t see that you have a problem with this woman that cannot be controlled and possibly turned to your advantage.  lets be frank here you have not actually done anything with her have you? No physical contact at all let alone lesbian sex. To be honest  you would have more difficulty explaining being in bed naked with me to somebody than your relationship with her wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, but you wouldn’t blackmail would you, and the very fact that she has made the threat suggests to me that she has something up her sleeve”

She was not going to be persuaded there was nothing wrong.  The months of hitting the bottle, the break down of the marriage the sexual aspect of her relationship with this woman was all so inextricably connected that there was no way Dawn would accept there was not a problem.  I had a couple of ideas of how this could be resolved.  One was subtle and could actually make Dawn some money and the other was not subtle and would involve a couple of the lads.

“Ok” I said “Lets get this sorted, I will start on it asap for you, but you must trust me 100%”

“Do you think I would be lying here if I didn’t”

“No I suppose not” I admitted

She smiled and said “Thank you” and then kissed me.

“I am silly aren’t I” she said rather sadly

“No you’re not silly, you just want to be loved like everyone else.  The problem is that you have fallen in love with an insensitive, murderous, black hearted self centred bastard” I said

“But I love YOU!” she blurted

“I know, Who the hell did you think I was talking about”.

Italian Job 9 / Dawn 3- Welcome Home

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

When I got through the customs and to the meet and greet area at Gatwick I was not prepared for what was to come. Regular readers will know that I have not had the best relationship with Dawn my Sister in Law. The feeling has been mutual. I didn’t like anything about her, especially her looks, as she was far to skinny for my cup of tea.

I was looking for Dawn when suddenly this babe threw her arms around my neck and kissed me on the lips. This might happen in films to the likes of Hugh Grant but it doesn’t happen in real life to Normans.

“I’ve missed you so much” she gushed kissing me again.

“Hughwughheerwugher” I said.

She hugged me and I tried not to dribble everywhere, because I knew that I must have looked like a basket case with , mouth open and not saying anything intelligible. It did not help that I was tired after being attacked, arrested and having my travelling companion op his clogs in my car. All in all, a long and somewhat arduous day. This warm and loving welcome from someone who I have shared a mutual loathing was just the icing on the cake.

I caught the words “room” and “Hilton” and although I understood them did not fully appreciate their context. The next thing we were in a double room in the Hilton and Dawn was passing me a scotch from the mini-bar. I never ever drink from the mini-bar in hotels (except in Eastern Europe where it is very cheap) as a matter of principal. I don’t have many but this is one of them.

Dawn was wearing what you would describe as a little black number and I could not get over how bloody good she looked – body wise that is. Her eyes and body language however were something else. The other thing is she was gushing conversation. Fuck me she was rabbiting away ten to the dozen.

She was on the brink.

I suggested we went to the restaurant and she agreed.

The food was good but the meal was surreal. She acted as if we were an item. Not just an item but a HOT item. She kept holding my hand and rubbing my leg near my Norman McMan stick and all that sort of malarkey. Now don’t get me wrong here, I am not adverse to woman rubbing my leg or my McMan stick, but this was Dawn who hated me. Having fed and watered I was ready to head upstairs to do the business, by which I mean find out what the fuck was going on.

We got into the room and she went into the bathroom and had a wee. I got rid of my jacket and shoes and lay on the bed. When she came in she was in a very fetching set of underwear. She came straight over and lay down on the bed and snuggled up to me. The panic bells were going and what I real wanted to do was to leap up and shout “WHAT’S GOING ON”. I didn’t of course.

I put my arm round her and said “This has been a great evening and you look fabulous, but to what do I owe this sudden change of fortune”.

“I love you.” she said in a very resigned way ” I have always loved, you but you were not available and when you were you never noticed me and when you did you didn’t like me”

“Only because I didn’t think you liked me at all” I said

“Idiot, it was self preservation thing all that..that back biting and sniping at you, why do you think I always sit opposite you at family dinners, it’s so I can look at you and imagine what it is like to be with you all the time”

“Actually I don’t think being with me all the time is probably that great” I said In all honesty.

“Maybe not, but I just wanted to be able to have you. Its because I couldn’t have you and because Simon isn’t interested in me really that I…..”

I pulled her close to me, not because I wanted to fuel her hope that I was available or right for her, but just to give her some comfort. Actually there is the small matter that she felt very nice as well if I am in entirely honest.

“What’s happened Dawn?”

I thought she was going to cry but she didn’t, she let out a big sigh and said “I love you and could have you. Simon doesn’t love me, he loves work and money and his PA. I was lonely and got more desperate and oh fuck Norman I have been a prize idiot. Do you think you could help your old arch enemy to get out of the shit?”

“You helped me today for which I have not said thank you yet”

I went to kiss her gently on the forehead but some how I missed and her lips got in the way. It was a brief gentle kiss but one charged with warmth and a love I had not noticed for so many year. I will never forget it.

“Of course I will help you but what’s the problem”

The tears I expected earlier now came flooding out

“I have had an affair for almost two years” she sobbed

“It happens” I said “I am sure we can sort that out”

“With a woman” she sobbed

“So what difference does that make?”

“On the internet, we were lovers and now she is going to blackmail me”

“Ah I see”

“Oh Norman I have ruined everything” she sighed again

“Nah probably not” I said in all honesty “You know, when you are up to you neck in alligators its hard to remember that the original objective was to drain the swamp”

She laughed and kissed my cheek “That’s why I love you” I was suddenly aware of her hand touching my Norman McMan stick. “I would like you to thank me properly for helping you”

“So I see”

Cue pictures of crashing waves and a magnificent sunset.

Sitting Comfortably

Friday, January 18th, 2008

I am very pleased to say that the second medico has done the biz with my arm and buttocks. Actually, that first sentence makes me sound like a member of the Lib Dems.  The point is that I am now able to sit in relative comfort and should be able to crack on with the last part of the Italian story in the next day or so.

On a work front Africa is still providing a lot of employment which maybe good news for arms deals and the like, but it seems as if the whole bloody continent is slipping into war.   To be honest the Kenyan problems are really small fry compared to what is going on in some places.  The humanitarian price is just off the scale.

Maybe I am just getting old or soft, but it is just a total and utter fucking disaster, and the big news in the British media is some stupid Scouse trout calling a teddy Mohammed.

Mind you, the Uk is providing plenty of work with ASBOs and yobs to sort out and all sorts of weird and wonderful little jobs.  Some are interesting and some are just plain daft.

I should be back in full swing next.


Sunday, January 13th, 2008

The wound inflicted on my buttocks and arm by Seamus the IRA dog living in Kenya was not looking so good.  To be honest I can’t see the one on my arse but if it looked as bad as the one on my arm is was not a pretty sight.

I rang Dr Death to see whether he could have a look at my injuries.  Always the professional Death received news of my injury like this.

“Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaa gasp  haaaaaaaaaa  haaaaaa  erherm  haaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  wheeze You were bitten on the arse by a dog I wish I could have seen it”

“Actaully that why I am ringing”

“What you got it on video?”

“No Id didn’t get it on video, I want yo to look at my wounds because they dont lookm so good”

“Oh I see ” said the heartless medic with more than a hint of disappointment. “OK I suppose I could see you tonight at about 7pm.  Are you up for a curry and couple of beers”

“I think so but sitting is painful” I said weakly.  This just sent Death off into more raucous laughter.  I hung up.

L looked at me in a very concerned way.  “Is he a real doctor?  He sounds like a mad man”

“Right on both counts my love”

7pm and I am at Deaths surgery trouser down rump exposed.

“Who the fuck stitched this?” was his opening gambit

“Boris” I said weakly

“Boris the Blade! you let that murderous butcher near your arse with a suturing kit? ”  I took it from his tone that he did not think much of Boris’s handy work.

“Options were limited” I said

“I can fucking see that, but Boris…..”  he shook his head “I’ll be honest Norm your arm is infected and a mess, but your poor old backside is in a very sorry state.  I ‘ll clean it up and give you some antiB’s, but I have to tell you I reckon you are going to need surgery”

There then followed a very painful half hour whilst he tended to my bum.  I am sure he would have been quicker if he hadn’t kept laughing.

To be fair he bought me a curry and couple of Cobras which eased the pain slightly.

I now have an appointment with a surgeon who may have to do some deep cleaning.

Why does this sound painful?

Happy New Year & Seamus

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

I hope you all had a good Christmas and I would like to wish you all a happy new Year.

My Christmas did not quite go as planned.

As the situation in Kenya kicked off we were contracted in to a secure and protect some holiday makers and then to assist with relief efforts.  This second phase is ensuring that the aids gets to those who need it and to  persuade those of a naughty nature who might be tempted to half inch anything not to.

We have done some serious pursuading.

Unfortunately I was injured in this operation.  Injury is an occupational hazard, but this was more serious.

In short I was bitten on the arse by a rabid dog.  His name was Seamus.  Note the use of psat tense.  I was minding my own business when this little brown dog wandered over to me and then without warning sunk his gnashers into my rump.

It appears his former owner was an Irishman from Belfast and somehow Seamus had inherited his masters dislike for the British and in particualr members of my regiment.

Not content with injuring Normans rump he bit my right hand and arm.  I regret that all the bites are seriously gunky and very painful.

Poxy dogs