Yobs 2

Last night (Friday) we started sorting the yobs. One of the big things is to be cost effective. Mr & Mrs A cannot really afford to employ us so I have given them a global price of £1500 to resolve the situation. Now I know that £1500 sounds like a lot of money but we will not make any profit on this but if my plan works, it will work very quickly and will be permanant. Plus I have given them a total satisfaction guarantee this is now my problem not Mr & Mrs A’s. Half the time people just need to know there is someone willing to listen and do somehting.

Enough of the yak.

My intention here is to create a plan that will work on several levels. Part of my plan was to create an illusion in the yobs minds and in doing so give them some of their own medicine. Lastly we wanted to ensure that the police had evidence of criminal wrong doing on the yobs part, which would give them the leverage to take appropriate action.
Friday was spent in preparation and involved a trip to the cash point for some wedge, the supermarket and a chemist plus the sorting of vehicles. No modest A class today chaps, I needed two Range Rovers a flash mercedez and little car for back up. I was able to get the merc from a friend of mine but we had to hire the Range Rovers. Luckily I got a bit of discount but it was still £500.

On my shopping list for the chemist and supermarket was tin foil, soluble codeine & paracetamol pain killers, little plastic bags, plus some dog conditioning tablets. I had to go to several chemists which was a bit of zapin in the arse, because they would only sell me one box (32) of the pain killers at a time. Clearly I looked like a bloke with a very bad headache or a problem. Actually these painkillers are the most abused over the counter medication in the UK. Second is Ibuprofen. There you have learnt something.

This job is quite labour intensive as to get the right effect we needed to use 8 people in total. Two blokes in each of the Range Rovers and three in the merc, one driver, one shotgun and me in the back. Plus LD the K9 bloke in the little hire car. Preperations done we were suited and booted and the team briefed and we are ready to head south of the Thames. We would RV at a car park about 5 minutes from where Mr & Mrs A live and await the telephone call to say that our boys were ready to play and we could instigate part 1 of the plan.
We got the call from Mr A to say that the yobs were outside his house and it was show time.

There were about 9 yobs and a car. A little luminous green peugeot with go faster stripes and a big fat chrome exhaust and a fucking sound system cranked to a volume that would have made Lemmy from Motor Head wince. The yobs were cat calling to each other and swigging beer and generally fucking about as is their want.

Our convey consisted Range Rover, Merc, Range Rover. We swept down the road to where the yob were, with all lights headlights and fog lights on and as we came to a halt the doors of the vehicles opened and two blokes got out of each vehicle and were across the pavement and grass before the yobs even twigged that the big cars had stopped.

Actually Mick and Andy G the first two lads out of the Range Rovers are two very big blokes – very nice lads actually, but big well over 6’3″ and must weigh around 115KG.

Andy G was the assigned spokesman for us.
“Whose in charge?” asked Andy

“What?” was the rather predictably thick response from one youth

“Are you fucking deaf or just stupid? I said whose in charge” Said Andy
“ughh well I suppose Gavin is” said one thicko pointing at a thin faced lad sitting in the drivers seat of the car.

Whilst Mick went to deal with Gavin the other members of our team started searching the other youths for weapons. One young man told Andy that he had no power to search him. Andy reminded him that where as the police might need power of search, he was not a policeman, and so such technical niceties did not apply to him. Besides he said “I have this power” and promptly grabbed the legally minded youth by the nuts. I think Andy’s legal argument struck home. As an aside I reckon the youth could have a future in tap dancing judging by the nimble foot work he was doing.

Mick went to the door of the Peugoet and opened it.”get out of the car” Said Mick
“Wha?” said Gavin

“Get out” and Mick took hold of him non too gently by the front of his tracksuit and pulled him out of the car.

“Mr Norman wants a word with you”

“I aint dun nuffink, leave me alone”

Wrong response Gavin.

Mick took hold of Gavins hair and arm and frog marched him towards the Mercedez. I think it would fair to say that Gavin was having a bad walking experience. In true mafia style the window at the back of the Merc slid down.

I looked at Gavin

“Whats going on?” I asked

“That cunt assaulted me” Bleated Gavin. What is it with these fuck wits and their use of the law? Anyway it was the wrong response again, because the next thing he knew Gavins legs had been kicked from from under him by Mick. The hapless youth hit the deck like a sack of spuds. He let out a load cry as he made contact with mother earth.

Mick picked Gavin up by the hair again so that he was on his knees, his face at about car window hight.

“Shall we try this again young man?” I asked

He nodded. Well he would have nodded if Mick had not still got hold of his hair.

“What’s your name son”


“Well Gavin would you like to tell me what you are doing”

“Nuffink, me and ma mates are just hanging like”

“Hanging. Why here?”


“Do you live here”

“Nah I live in Addington”


“Its Gavin” he corrected me

“Gavin your continued presence in this neighbour hood is very detrimental to my business interests. I want you and your mates to fuck off back to Addington or life will become very uncomfortable for you. Do you understand?”

“I’ll get the law on to you, the old bill will…..”

“I don’t think so Gavin”

“Give him a drink please Mick”

“OK boss”

Mick took a small clear plastic bottle from his jacket pocket removed the lid and held the bottle in front of Gavins face.

“Drink” Commanded Mick

Gavin started to protest but pressure applied to his scalp made him change his mind and he took a little swig.

“Again and more” Instructed Mick. Gavin took a bigger swing and gagged and coughed.
“What is it” he coughed

“Red bull” replied Mick and made him take another hefty swig, so that by now Gav had drunk almost three quarters of the bottle.

I looked the gormless youth straight in the eyes

“Gavin, I mean what I say. If I see or hear of you and your mates hanging round here causing problems I will really give you a very uncomfortable time, now get in your car and fuck off back to Addington”

Mick pulled Gavin to his feet by his hair. Gavin stood there for a minute trying to work out quite what was going on
“Now fuck off you” Mick said

Gavin staggered back to his car and got in and all our team members were back in their vehicles. I could see some conversation going on. It would have bee nice to have stayed and chatted but it was time for us to go. I could hear the wail of police sirens approaching. Sure enough from behind us came blue lights. Our convey departed and split up at a sedate pace and we headed back to our second RV.

30 minute after we left I rang Mr and Mrs A. The police had knocked on their door earlier making enquiries because of a disturbance.
Of course Mr & Mrs A did not know a lot but were able to tell the officers that the lads had been gathering there most nights for the past few months and that this green car was often there.

Apparently when the police arrived the driver of the car had been yabbering like an idiot about some bloke in a merc threatening him. One of the officers smelt alcohol and realised that his bizarre behaviour was because he was pissed.

The car driver failed his breath test and will be charged.
Oh shit did we forgot to mention to poor old Gavin that there was vodka in with the red bull. How careless of us. I guess he wont be driving up from Addington anymore then.
They Police searched the lads and apparently found little packets a foil wraps of white powder on some of them along with a few similar packets in the car. It would appear that the car owner was dealing drugs. Most of the group had been arrested on suspicion of drugs offences and for possessing offensive weapons. The CID will be dealing with that aspect of the case over the weekend. In any event the officer assured Mr & Mrs A that they will be monitoring the situation from now on as they don’t want any more drugs related shootings.

We will continue to monitor the situation tonight.

3 Responses to “Yobs 2”

  1. John Humphries says:

    God Norman I didnt know you were still using that old pop bottle ploy.

    I know what youre going to say simple is still best and if it aint broke dont fix it..

  2. Brilliant job.
    Absolutely brilliant!!!

    You are a legend x

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