Yobs 1.

Yesterday I headed to sunny Shirley which is in South London near Croydon. I should have been suspicious, because I was on a double bunger, ie two pre job assessment meetings on the same day. It is very rare for two jobs to turn up in the same place at the same time. However I only ever work on one job at a time.

The first job was to call on Mr & Mrs Average whose life is being made hell by some yobs. Let me ask this how and why do they go from being cute kids to cunts? Well from what I could see Mr and Mrs A certainly not being befriended by cute kids.

The second job was to call on Mr & Mrs Protective because their daughter is being stalked by somebody. I say somebody because as I discovered it was all a little vague.

Which assessment to tell you about first. …. Lets go with the yobs first as I typed them first. I actually visited them second but who gives a toss about chronology.

Mr & Mrs A have lived in their neat, little, suburban semi detached house since before Mosses did a runner from Egypt. They had two children, a daughter who is a nurse working in the Arab Emirates and a son who had served in the first Gulf War, and is no longer with us. Mr A worked for an Insurance company in Croydon, and Mrs A for a large department store who has since ceased trading. They are honest decent people who have done fuck all to offend anyone and should be allowed to live their retirement in peace and tranquillity.

About 4 or 5 months ago, for no particular reason, a group of lads started hanging round outside their house. To start with Mr & Mrs A thought nothing of it, but the group got bigger and their behaviour worse. Mr & Mrs A tried asking nicely for them to be quiet and not so rowdy, but that just made matters worse.

Mr & Mrs A rang the police who were very sympathetic, but quite rightly said that if they intervened before any actual offences had been committed that a) they could actually make matters worse for Mr & Mrs A, and b) there would be allegations of racial prejudice and any future prosecutions could be jeopardised as a result. A few police officers have been past, but no real action has been taken. To be fair the police can only work with the tools society gives them. The courts require things like evidence and witnesses.

Things have gone from bad to worse for Mr & Mrs A, but the little shit bags have not actually committed and criminal offences. Yet.
Now then, there are these great Anti Social Behaviour Order or ASBOs in existence to deal with this sort of problem. In order to get one you need evidence and witnesses, so Mr & Mrs A sent a letter round to their neighbours. The only replies they got were from people saying sorry they were frightened of repercussion’s. The residents association sent a wishy washy letter saying they were unaware of problems, no crime committed, no police reports, sorry and all that blah blah blah. Reading between the lines the letter really said

“Dear Mr & Mrs A

So sorry you are having bother with these Chavs, but thank fuck they are outside your house and not ours.

Whilst they are there and not here it is not my problem, and so I don’t have to do the square route of shit all about it.

Should you die of a heart attack or should something else terrible happen as result of these confrontations, we will go on telly and the local radio and say what a sweet old couple you were and how outraged we are that this has happened, but we were not aware of any problems.


Jean and George Spineless-Tosser.

Residents Association”

Thanks a bunch.

So they have called me because there is nobody else willing or able to help them.

We went through the whole history, and I worked out a mental pattern and image of how these shit heads operated. The problem was worse at the weekends, so no surprises there then, as the yobs have a few beers and are full of them selves.

The next thing is to decide how Mr & Mrs A wanted us to play this. I have to consider what will work and what is cost effective from the clients point of view. To be honest, I would love to just turn up one Friday night with a couple of lads from the team and just kick the fucking living shit out of these bastards, but that would only be a temporary solution and very amateurish on our part. Now if they attacked us….

We could do an evidence gathering operation and go for an ASBO, but this plan has a few flaws. Firstly, ASBOs do not work very well on the intellectually challenged. Secondly, it would take quite awhile and cost quite a bit of money. Lastly, at the back of my mind, I seem to recall that in Shirley there is some legal problem meaning that ASBOs can’t be applied for or enforced and hence why there is quite a yob problem in the area. I have to be honest and say I am not quite sure what the legal problem is and maybe I should have looked, but as I was never going got go down the ASBO route I had no intention of loosing and sleep over it.

However we could do a sort of uncle Norman disco remix. You know a little bit of legal and a little bit of …of… Tony Soprano. Have a good Friday, Uncle Norman is off to play.

By their rules.

3 Responses to “Yobs 1.”

  1. Sally says:


    Looking forward to hearing more…

  2. dl says:

    You and me both, Sal.

    UN, Looks like you’ve got a bit more sympathy for Mr and Mrs A then you had for WingCo and co, with the pikey problem a little while ago. Hope you’re able to sort out their little problem for them, just as effectively as you did the pikey problem.

    Great stuff, as ever…

  3. Oh please go and sort them out good and proper Uncle Norman.
    I hate yobs and I particularly hate it when they pick on innocent people like that.
    Last year my eldest son took on a group of unpleasant burly tattoed types in a nightclub when they smashed a bottle over his mate’s head for no reason.
    He had them kicked out, but the biggest was waiting for him when he left later. This yob was a big and ugly 6’4″ and punched Matt full in the face, splitting his cheek at the cheekbone and leaving him with eight stitches on his beautiful face. Luckily Matt took it (‘es well ‘ard) and didn’t fall down to split his head on the pavement. Doubly lucky was the presence of police who simply gathered this clown up and took him away before he had the chance to do anything worse.
    I’m glad I wasn’t there. I think I would have killed the bastard with my bare hands.
    Sort them out before they get nasty…

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