Wedding Bells

When I got in last night I was in a much better mood than when I had left. L was pottering around and I must say that the place looked spot on. Despite the unusual and somewhat unorthodox start to our “relationship” things have been ticking along quite nicely.

I went into the office and tracked through my emails and messages and sorted some admin. Its amazing what piles up when you are away. One of the letters was an invitation to a wedding in July. Seemed a little last minute bearing in mind these invites tend to arrive several years before the event, but knowing the geezer getting married it didn’t surprise me too much.

After half an hour or so I decided maybe I should rustle up some grub. I asked L if she fancied some beef Stroganoff and pasta, which she did. Twenty minutes later we were eating and having a glass of wine. She seemed a bit quite, almost morose.

“L, are you OK”

“yes” she lied
“Whats wrong?”

“Peter rang”

“Peter?…..Ahh Peter P….What did he want?”

” He said about you getting married”

“ME? I’m not getting married”

“He said it was in a letter”

“You prawn, its not me getting married its him you plonker, I got the invite today, actually I probably got it a while ago but only opened it today”

I got up and went from the table and went to the office and brought the invitation to show her.

Mr & Mrs Desperate Request The Pleasure of

Uncle Norman

At The Marriage Of Their Daughter

Shagalot to Mr Peter P


Here is a question for you why do we put RSVP, which is an expression never used by the French?

As I looked at the invitation I realised it was only for me. To be fair I suppose there is only me, but I felt a bit bad that L might miss out on a trip out to a wedding and the idea of running the gauntlet of the MILs wrath made me pick up the dog and bone to ring Peter P.

I explained the situation and asked about bringing L. The fact there was no immediate response in the positive should have given me a clue as to how this was going to go. Instead there was some hushed off phone chat between Peter P and Shagalot.

“I’m sorry Norm but we could not possibly add another guest at this late stage”

“Oh, Ok that’s alright I fully understand, but I regret that I will not be able to attend”

“But why?”

“Look Peter, I fully understand your situation, which is clearly more than you and Shagalot do about mine. If you cannot accommodate an extra guest, you cannot accommodate an extra quest, and I don’t have a problem with that. But it would not be correct for me to come and for L to stay at home. I dont intend to fall out about it, I just cannot come that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less”

The next second Shagalot had snatched the phone from Peter and is ranting at me. I am not sure why exactly, because I thought I had been very reasonable and the soul of tact and diplomacy. I put the phone down whilst the tirade of abuse continued and helped myself to another mouthful of Stroganoff and pasta and even had time to take a slurp of wine. The ranting had stopped as I picked up the telephone.

“I’m sorry Shagalot, didn’t quite catch all that, could you just run that by me again”

The expression ” Light blue touch paper stand well back” comes to mind. I am sure there were flecks of spit coming out of the receiver.

It must have been something I said.

Peter was back on the telephone and I think men in white coats were sedating Shagalot

“Shagalot is devastated you are not coming”he said

“So it would seem, I never realised she felt so strongly about me or liked me that much”

“Oh she doesn’t like you at all Norm, it’s just that she wants the wedding to be perfect, and I had told her what a good best man you would be”


“You know, best man, my best man”

“Nobody mentioned best man to me”

“I wanted it to be a surprise”

“Fuck me you achieved that”

“Well, will you do it?”

“I would be honoured, but only if L comes”


“I am sorry Peter but I am not budging on this. If you cant cater for her well so be it, but you will need to find somebody else as your best man. I am sorry”

“Right well I’ll get back to you”

I put the phone down.

“Dickhead” and shook my head in disbelief at the bizarre conversation I had just had. L was looking at me. No actually she was staring at me.

“What?” I asked

“You wont go to a wedding because I can’t go”

“Yeah that’s pretty much it” I said nodding sagely sucking back a piece of Tagliatelle that was attempting to escape my mouth and trying to look cool with cream running down my chin.

“Why?” she asked her head cocked slightly to one side and a curious look on her face.

“Because strange as it may seem we are a team,  sort of. I don’t really have anyone else to go with and as far as I know you don’t seem to have anyone else, so we are sort of thrown together”

Then almost without thinking about it I realised I had reached across the table and patted the back of her hand, she turned it over and held my hand and smiled.

I smiled back.

Best man – my fat arse.

6 Responses to “Wedding Bells”

  1. John Humphries says:

    Peter P can be a prat. He told us that he had mentioned the best man thing to you ages ago. Of course thinking about it you were Mugabes house guest at the time.

  2. dl says:

    Reckon you’re a bit of a romantic, UN. Perhaps fear of “MIL’s wrath” is just how you’re justifying it to yourself?

    Re JH’s comment, above: Mugabe’s house guest? You get about a bit, don’t you?

  3. Uncle says:

    JH – He didn’t mention it to me as you ay have gathered. In fact the invitation was only sent about 10 days ago when I was in Belgium for Lucky Jims funeral.

    DL- Maybe you are right about the romantic. Maybe those around me see things clearer than I do.

    I would rather that JH had not mention Bob M. I am sure that Bob is a wonderful loving father (hmm), but trust me you really don’t want to sample his hospitality.

  4. You are a good man.

    And that is enough.

    A noble man, too.

    Your soon-to-be-married friends are a right pair of plonkers, I might add…

  5. Uncle says:

    Minx – you are too kind. I am not a good man but by the same token nor am I a bad arsed dude.

    Noble? knobhead more like.

    Plonkers, yes. Deliberately unkind, I think not.

    The good thing is I am off the hook for buying a bloody present.

  6. Sally says:

    If they had intended you to be best man I think that it is polite to invite the person concerned. You may have wanted to say no, and it would be nice to be given taht option….

    If they were using it as an excuse to make you feel bad for not accepting their wedding invitation without an invitation for L too – they that is pretty despicable really…

    Presents are hard. Especially when you get to our sort of age. You can’t exactly buy a toaster, and therefore anything less tahn expensive and huge seems mean!

    BTW I like your blog. Partly because you seem to be my fan, despite my having been very rude to you, and secondly because you are very funny.

    And you ARE a romantic! Who’d have thought it Norm?!

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