Pikeys 4 – In a rut

I woke up in a really bad mood. I don’t know why, there was no rhyme or reason to it and It doesnt happen that often, but fuck me I was a right grumpy bastard. As my Gran used to say “I could have fought with my own shadow and won”

I stomped about the flat before heading down to Hampshire to see the Pikeys.

When I got to the paddocks I decided to put on some special kit for this job. In films Brad Pitt or the like would put on his body armour. Bruce Willis wouldn’t but then he is a special kind of guy. I am Uncle Norman I am British and so I put on – Wellies.

The Pikeys were indeed a sorry sight. There was fucking mud everywhere. The kids instead of being just grubby were caked in thick gooey clods and looked like little pygmies from New guinea (the only difference is that the Pygmies from New Guinea speak pigeon and this lot speak Pikey which is much harder to learn).

The poxy dogs didn’t look any better and were staggering about as if they were pissed, which I suppose they were sort of. The big bloke with the beard was there with his mates and they were trying somewhat unsuccessfully to move a Ford Transit, which was pretty well bogged down. Some other herbert was trying to pull a caravan out of dip using a Toyota pick up. The wheels from both vehicles were spinning furiously and the result was a shower of mud going all overt he shop. All the caravan were listing at rather odd angles. Add to this little scene the delightful voices of the Romany lady folk asking there chaps “What de feck is goin on aud der?” and “You better gd us oudder dis you useless fuck” and I think you will have an idea that all was not well in the camp.

I squelched over in the direction of the bloke with the beard and made a mental note to avoid the flying mud.

“Hello lads, hows it going?”

“Its a fuckin nightmare sir a fucking nightmare”

“I have to say it doesn’t look to good, what’s happened”

I don’t know sir, everything was fine and then over the weekend a drain must a burst or summit cos it got right boggy and then wi de rain an all it bin murder”

“Hmm so I see” I said

I watched as two dogs squatted and squirted diarrhoea outside the door of one of the caravans.

“Aye sir and the dogs have been off an all” Beardy continued looking at the two dogs.

“Aye all sort of listless like, off their food, sleeping and shitting all o’er place. Must be a drain or summit”

“Maybe” I said “Maybe”

We watched as the caravan being pulled by the Toyota lurched precariously from side to side. I have to be honest and say that not too much forward progress was made. The Toyota is a bang on bit of kit, but it does need the right tyres for the job and fortunately for me this one didn’t have the right tyres.

“What are going to do” I asked

“Well seeing as you’re here an all sir I was wondering if maybe your offer of helping us move on still stands”

“I can still help you, but the terms are a bit different”

“Hows dat sir?”

“Well you can’t stay here can you. Your missus is well pissed off with muddy kids and shitty dogs all over the place, but you do seem to be having a bit of difficulty moving”

“Aye that’s true sir, we seem to be in a bit of rut, that’s true enough” H enodded his head rather sadly.
“How about you pay me £500 per family and I will get someone to pull all of you out of the mud and you can be on your way”

“If you want a comedian get Bob Monkhouse! I am making an offer to help you.”

“But last week you….” He stammered
“That was last week and this is this week. Do you want me to help you or do you want to roll around in this shit and piss? It’s up to you shag, but I have to tell you I am not in the best of moods today and have not got time to stand here and fuckin pass the time of day with you”

“Cunt, I’ll go and talk to dem”

He stomped off, well he tried to stomp but in reality he sort of slithered his way across to the group of other pikeys that were watching. There was a very heated debate and lots of dark looks in my direction, but there was an air of resignation about them. He slithered back with an air of dejection about him.

“Alright sir just get us out of here. I will collect the cash for you”

“Thanks. Whats your name?”


“Look Tom have you got a mobile”


“Well it maybe that I might have some jobs for you in the future. I am not promising anything mind, but you never know”

He was a bit taken back and more than suspicious, but he gave me his number. In the mean time I rang FG who was on local standy with a nice big tractor and about an hour or so later all the pikeys had been extracted from the mud. It would seem that not only had they got mysteriously got bogged down but theire tyres had gone soft. Strange that.

They were short of £500 but in the interests of humanity I gave them a bit of a discount and they went on their merry way. Merry not be quite the right term but they wer gone.

We immediately pulled up the makeshift entrance to the field to prevent any other cheeky little tinkers taking up residency.

Next stop the residents association.

I broke the good news to Wing-Co Whatshisname and he was a a happy chap. We wandered round to the entrance of the paddock and he looked at all the tyres marks and aboandoned crap.

“I say what the devils gone on here?” He blustererd

“Well very simply we flooded them out”

“You did what?” He snorted
“We asked them to leave. When they refused,we simply ran hoses from each of the houses under the caravans and vehicles and turned the taps on.”

“We agreed to pay you £10,000”

“Yes to get your squaters to move and that is exactly what we have done, I would like the balance please”

“I don’t think you have earned your money at all I am not going to pay” Smirked the blustering old twat.

Why do people have to be so bloody stupid.

The poor old chap must have tripped or slipped on the mud because the next thing he was flat in his back splashing around in a rather large tyre track. He seemed to be under the impression that I had tripped him. Not me surely not.
“help me up, help me up you pushed me you you you…”

“Mister whatshisname ..”

“Wing Commander”

“Mister Whatshisname, please don’t interrupt me, I am in no mood for games or bad manners, do I make myself clear? You contracted me to get those people off your land, because you couldn’t or wouldn’t do it yourself. You are paying me and my men for the ability to run 10 hoses into a gsypsies cmapsite every night without being detected. You are paying me for knowing how to sedate vicious dogs and for knowing that the average hose will deliver around 1100 litres of water every hour and that over the course of the weekend we would pour roughly 264000 litres of water into that site. You are paying me paid me and my men for being able to move into their camp and deflate the tyres of their caravans whilst they slept. You are paying for the use of a large tractor to help the peole off you land. Now then that is exactly what I have done, as a result of which the squatters have left. If you don’t pay me as agreed I have no doubt you will find life here more than a little uncomfortable. I do hope we understand each other”

“Er yes, help me up and I will give you a cheque”

“We agreed terms and one of those terms was cash, besides do you think after this little stroke that I would take a cheque from you?”

I think he thought we would blow them up or something, after all I did say we would soften them up. I am pleased to say that the errant gentleman has paid his dues and tendered an apology which was graciously accepted.

13 Responses to “Pikeys 4 – In a rut”

  1. John Humphries says:


    You should have got the gypos to tarmac the old blokes garden.

  2. Tom says:

    So you picked up 15K for shifting some tinkers. Nice pay off for a few days work. I can see why the punter felt he was being short changed.

  3. dl says:

    …all lived happily ever after? 🙂

  4. Well done Uncle Norman.

    A fine bit of work – and rivetting!!!

    I would have been tempted to leave a tap running in the old geezer’s garden…

    Beautifully handled!

  5. Hankypank says:

    How do you like the idea of coming over to Arizona to sort my trailer trash neighbors?

  6. Uncle says:

    John H – It did cross my mind

    Tom – The £5500 from the pikeys was a bit of a bonus, well a lot of a bonus actually, but the price was fair. I will do a little post to explain costings.

    DL- Everyone is living happily ever after so far, but I would not be too shocked if they or some others went back.

    Minx – I actually forgot to ask if these people had metered water. Still it is always easier to say sorry afterwards than to get permission before hand.

    Hankypank – I am not sure how well the old hose trick will work on your drier soil!

    Celine Ducas – Sorry Celine, somehow I managed to delete your comment in error. Deline said she thinks I type too quickly and make mistakes. Having re read the last post I see what you mean. I will make some corrections and will try to be harder in the the future.

  7. Uncle says:

    Celine not Deline.
    “UN you can be such a spaz sometimes.”
    “I know I know”
    sorry ma cheri

  8. Gumpher says:

    That’s one of the funniest blog posts I’ve read in ages. Very crafty stunt pulled on the pikeys.

  9. Uncle says:


    Thanks for your comment”Sunday was vile. It pissed down from sun up to sun down and we gradually drove each other stark raving mad in the house” what fucked up your bank holiday made a long job much shorter. Sorry about that.

  10. kali says:

    “It would seem that not only had they got mysteriously got bogged down but theire tyres had gone soft. ”

    Weird, I thought letting down tyres was the way to get out of mud/sand, etc…bigger surface area, more traction, all those basic physics kind of things…

    More Big Stories from Little Man?

  11. Uncle says:

    Kali – You are quite right letting tyres down on motor vehicles does help in sand and snow but not so much in mud. However I think you will find that trying to move a caravan with flat tyres out of mud with a ford transit is a bit of a tall order. If you can do it, then drop me your telephone number and I will pass it on to the Tom the pikey.

    I suppose though that as you email don’t know your email or web address  the chances of getting to grips with a telephone number is probably a bit taxing.

  12. When I got to the paddocks I decided to put on some special kit for this job. In films Brad Pitt or the like would put on his body armour. Bruce Willis wouldn’t but then he is a special kind of guy. I am Uncle Norman I am British and so I put on – Wellies.

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