Potato Salad & Cleaning Ladies

I went to Luxembourg and Belgium last week. I thought I was going to be back on Wednesday but alas it was not to be and did so did not get back until late on Friday night. I don’t mind Luxembourg, it is an inoffensive sort of place and in my line of work the people I deal with are very pro and so my time there was pleasant.

Then onto Brussels. One should be suspicious of place that is really only famous because there is a vegetable named after it. Not a good well loved veg like cauliflower, spuds or swede but one with a very dodgy reputation such as the sprout. I like sprouts but I am in a minority. Brussels is full of miserable people. Hardly anyone smiles and as for the expats you come across, fuck me sideways they are a miserable, pompous bunch of fuckers.

I know a lot of Belgians in my professional life. You come across them all the time in Africa and the less well known parts of the world. No matter how shitty or dire the circumstances these blokes always seemed laid back, happy and contented. I asked one once why this was and he said because it is better than Belgium!

One reason I went to Brussels was to attend the funeral of Lucky Jim. He was good bloke but an insignificant man, which might explain why the hearse followed the other cars. The funeral meal was interesting and the centre piece was a replica of the deceased made from potato salad, which was different.

And so back to London. You may recall that I had not seen hide nor hair of my cleaning woman since my return and I was threatening all sorts of things. Our paths have now crossed.

I got home quite late on Friday night and was pretty well done in. Dropped my bag in the living room and had a quick drink before heading to the bedroom. As I was having my beer I heard music and what sounded like voices coming from my bedroom. The fucking Bose CD, clock radio thingy has a mind of its own and was doing its own thing again. So much for buying quality products! Fuck it I will go and sort it out and then hit the sack. I am not easily surprised, but the sight of a nubile, pretty,  naked female on all fours with arse stuck in the air with a rather large vibrator protruding from her minge is something of surprise. What do you do in these circumstances. In magazines and porn films the bloke joins in for a monumental sexual romp, but this was real life not a pron film and more to the point who the fuck was this doris?

I an not usually lost for words but I stood there for a few seconds with my gob open and looked like a bigger oaf than I do normally

UN “Excuse me”
Shrieks from woman followed by lots of foreign screaming as she goes diving for cover under bed clothes.

I presume she had removed the vibrator but this was not a question uppermost in my mind.

UN “Who the fuck are you”

“WHO ARE YOU” Shrieks the strange woman

“I am Uncle Norman and this is my flat and I would like to know what you are doing fucking yourself in my bed”

There was a lot of screaming and hollering, but then the woman calmed down and told me in and Eastern European accent that she is called Leinka (Not sure of the spelling), she is 20 and from Estonia and she is my cleaner. Which was odd because last time I looked my cleaner was a 40 year old Colombian woman called Angela who was as ugly as sin. It transpires Angela has gone into the employment business. But that was only half the story. Why was this girl in my flat masturbating with a fuck off vibrating dildo on a Friday night?

It transpires she lives in a little flat in Shepherds Bush with four or five other girls and has been using my gaff at the weekends. Partly because she has told them she has a boy friend and partly to have some space of her own. I could understand her using the place, sort of, but I could not get to grips with why, if she was using the place as her own did she not do any cleaning!

“What are you going to do with me?” Sobs the seriously embarrassed, very tearful, 20 year Estonian girl.   What indeed.  I could really do without all this.

I eventually got her to calm down.  I sit on the side of the bed and she is sitting in my bed with the covers pulled up to her chin covering her modest, which all things considered was a little late.   She does not have much money for a taxi or tube.  Her fiends have their boyfriends round so the flat is even more crowded plus she will loose face if they know she has not got a boyfriend.  I offered her a drink and she said she would like a vodka so I went of to do the drinks.  She wanders in wearing my dressing gown.

We had a couple of drinks and a reasonably normal conversation.  She tells me a bit about her life etc and I start to get the impression that maybe Angela’s business with these girls is a little more than just cleaning.  So I ask the question.  More wailing and nashing of teeth.  Angela supplies girls to work in a few knocking shops, some are  up town a few are out towards Hounslow and Heathrow.  Leinka has refused, so she only gets a few places to clean and does not make much money, barely enough to live on.

It is gone 1.15am and I am totally and utterly fucked – figuratively speaking.  I have to get my head down and say so.

“Where are you going to sleep?” she asks

“In my fucking bed” I replied

“Where will I sleep?”

I had not actually said she could stay, but it struck me if I was going to kick her out I should have done it awhile ago.   My flat is quite a reasonable size.  I have three bedrooms, There is my bedroom and a guest room and one which I use as an office.  The bed in the pare room was not made so I gave her a choice make up the spare bed, sleep on the sofa or kip down with me in the comfy bed.

I would like to think it was my sexual charm and magnetism that got her to my bed but the truth be known I think she was as bewildered and knackered as I was and idea of making up another bed or going home was just too much.  I know one thing, she snores!

6 Responses to “Potato Salad & Cleaning Ladies”

  1. dl says:

    Good God! Real life can be stranger than fiction. Never a dull moment in UN’s life, clearly.

  2. Uncle says:

    DL It gets better or more interesting depending which way you look at it!

  3. dl says:

    Can’t wait….!

  4. Jen&Bob says:

    Lost for words!
    I find that hard to sawllow

  5. This is too good!!

    What a gob-smacking moment!!
    And so deliciously WRONG!!

    I love it!

  6. Uncle says:

    J&B – I know it sounds hard to believe but I was silenced. So much for highly trained pro who responds to any situation without thinking.

    Minx – Masturbation is sex with the one person you truely love!

    someone said to me that it must have been a very horny sight. Surreal is a better way of describing it. We haven’t actually discussed our introduction as of yet and I am tempted to let sleeping dildos lie.

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